This is a show that is a long time coming as we discuss step parenting and blended families. This topic has so many variations of possible family situations, that we decided that this will be just Part 1. In this episode we take a deep dive into what is the role of stepparent. We then discuss the boundary adjustments that have to happen as a new members become part of an existing family system.
Tune in to see Part 1 of Step Parenting Through a Therapist’s Eyes.
Listen for the following takeaways from the show:
- What is a step parent’s role?
- What life adjustments need to be made by the step parent and the child?
- How to accept a step parent being present by the divorced “other custodial” parent?
- What about the adult dynamics between all the parents?
- The step parents role will be different depending on the age of the child/children.
- Level of conflict between the parents dictates the mental health of the child.
- Does the person (adult or child) acknowledge the closure of the previous relationship?
- Biological parent trumps the step parent in a lot of aspects, but they both need to united to raise the child(ren).
- You have to take time to establish trust and be patient.
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Episode #216 Transcription
Chris Gazdik: [00:00:00] Hi there. My name is Chris Gazdik with Through a Therapist’s Eyes, we are talking about a relationship today that is dynamic. The co-parenting relationship. You know them, you love them. We all know they’re stressful, but they can actually be really advantageous. So we’re gonna be diving into, what did we do the title all about Co-parenting.
So hang your, hang on man, because there’s we’re gonna go for a ride cuz there’s a lot of factors in things to, to really get into and discuss. But we have sickness going through the the crew here this week, as is everywhere it seems like. So we’ve got the man behind the curtain, Mr. Neil Robinson hanging out with us over there.
How are you sir?
Neil Robinson: I am doing good. You know, better than my cough suggest, but yeah, I’m, I’m actually doing good. Well
Chris Gazdik: that was before we turned to my off.
Neil Robinson: Don’t Yeah, I know, but Oh, I’m sure you’ll hear, hear coughs [00:01:00] later. So , you still have a tickle. Just boring everybody. I’ll, I’ll have it for couple more days.
Oh, it’s tough. It’s how I heal so. Well, you’ve been healed for like a week and a half. I know, but I get, I get a call for like two weeks after, like when I get really sick.
Chris Gazdik: Oh geez. So, and we got Miss Victoria Pendergrass hanging with us again. Hi, how are you ma’am? I’m
Victoria Pendergrass: good. Yeah. Do you have a good I’m kicking.
Yeah. Everybody showed up for me today.
Chris Gazdik: Ah, you had a busy day, right? It’s a good day when everybody shows up. I, I can relate, I can relate to that very well. So this is through therapist eyes where you get insights from therapists directly in your home or personal time in your car. We have let me see the book’s still out.
Re-Understanding Emotions and Becoming Your Best Self. I read an article recently that. authors don’t do this and I’m about to do it. They’ll say how cool your book is and mm-hmm. authors will describe the neatness of your book and they will do everything. But what I’m about to do, So [00:02:00] listening audience around the world, it is called through a therapist Eyes, re-Understanding emotions and Becoming Your Best Self.
And I’m asking you to buy it. I thought it was a cool article. Authors never do
Victoria Pendergrass: that. Oh, ask people to buy their books.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Do you wanna buy it? I thought that is so simple. And it was my publisher that, that put this article out there and I’m like, it’s so true. Like, I don’t know if I’ve hardly ever asked anybody, Hey, do you wanna buy this book, Neil?
Neil Robinson: Well, I, I already have my own copy. You do signed. I have a signed copy. You
Chris Gazdik: have a signed copy Indeed. So I am, I’m asking everybody around the world there to check it out and buy it. I think it’s really something that will be helpful. We are switching to YouTube live soon, and that is the, through a therapist’s Eyes channel.
So you just type it in, search bar, find us, and then when you get onto that, you’ll click the subscribe button and then you’ll click the little blue bell and that will tell you [00:03:00] when we come up on live and it’ll give you the notification. We also, how’d I do, Neil, I’d like to check out
Neil Robinson: with you, man.
Oh, good. You, that’s, it’s getting smoother. I’ll tell you that. That was above
Chris Gazdik: average. Mm-hmm. . I’m above average now. Yep. Sweet. Just need that affirmation. You’ve
Neil Robinson: gone past. Mediocre. God. Good job Chris. You’re making progress.
Chris Gazdik: fan. Fantastic. Apple iTunes let you give some reviews and five stars and understand our business.
Being an author and podcasters, these reviews are a big deal. I’m also asking you to check out. Bought the book. I’ve, we’ve, we’re working with somebody on our marketing stuff and she tells me I need more reviews, so please help out if you like the show, help us out. That really makes a big difference.
And with
Neil Robinson: your second book coming out, get those Amazon reviews in there. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: It is becoming more important this year. Yep. As we move towards that. So this is the human emotional experience, which we endeavor to figure out together. So I, I didn’t, I didn’t prepare
Victoria Pendergrass: anything Again, we do not provide, we don’t provide, why am I doing that?[00:04:00]
This is like the fourth week
Neil Robinson: in a row. It’s, it’s YouTube throwing him off. He, he has five things he can say at the intro and the medical one’s just getting shoved off to the side. That has never been
Victoria Pendergrass: a thing for me. I’m sorry. It might be me, but, No. Yeah. For the
Chris Gazdik: last, he said that we do not deliver therapy services here of any kind in this podcast.
It’s a, I’m sorry. It’s a, it’s
Victoria Pendergrass: a cover thing. I mean, if you want me to, I can take that from now. You know, maybe
Chris Gazdik: you, I do. How about we just do that? We’ll assign that to you in the, in the intro . That’s hysterical. Seriously. Three, four
Victoria Pendergrass: years in. I keep waiting for you to be like, okay, is he gonna say it? Is he gonna say it?
And then, and don’t say it. I’m like, oh, wait. .
Chris Gazdik: And the way my brain works, once I get something locked in or locked out mm-hmm. . So this is gonna be an issue now for a little while until I get it locked back in my brain. Yeah. So I, I dunno, bear with me all about step parenting really. I want you to think about these questions, right?
Because there is so much that goes on in the way of parenting [00:05:00] roles when you’re dealing. after a divorce. And the step parenting role is a tricky, tricky role. Really, truly indeed. What is a step parent’s role is something that people really struggle with, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship and marriage.
And then what life adjustments need to be made by the stepparent and then also by the child. Cuz these are major adjustments. They’re not simple, they’re major adjustments for a child. You’ve got a brand new adult parent figure, figure in your life for a. Stepparent, you’ve got a brand new child, all unique and to themselves now in your life.
It, and it’s a big and important role. And thirdly, how to accept a stepparent being present by the divorced or the other custodial parent. So I wanna take this in, in some directions a little bit today, part of my goal. Cause we’ve talked about parenting, we’ve talked about blended families and [00:06:00] divorce and such.
Mm-hmm. . But, but you see in those questions, part of my goal is looking a little bit more at like, what are the roles, what are the adjustments? How do we handle some of these facets of new relationships, boundaries with your ex and with your new partner and with your new child. Like there’s some, there’s some things.
angle that way that people don’t really think about. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I wanna, I wanna angle us a, a little bit that way, but yeah. So what do y’all think? I mean, I, I’ve kind of set it up as this dynamic relationship, this tricky and confusing thing. I mean, you know, you deal with this a lot, Victoria, I’m sure with kids.
This is Oh yeah. This is sort of in your wheelhouse, isn’t it?
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, definitely. A daily basis of dealing with you know, all separate situations where, you know, divorced parents and both of them remarried. You know, divorced parents were only one [00:07:00] remarried. Yeah. You know, and then, and then if you take two blended families, like if you get divorced and then you married someone who’s also been divorced and have skids, then that adds a whole.
Another aspect of it,
Chris Gazdik: like, you know, it’s funny, we, we, you know, I got you both aged on the Brady Bunch that was primetime tv. Do you, do you, do you all ever seen the Brady Bunch? Yeah, man. Yes. We, we loved the Brady Bunch when I was a kid, man, that was, that was like primetime tv. And it was interesting because that was a whole new cultural shift.
Yeah. That began to be like a thing, you know, in around the eighties and even the seventies when, when that was all kind of, you know, new and, and, and being experienced a whole lot more cuz the divorce rate went through the roof when Yeah. The sixties and seventies kind of came, came on and then it’s kinda like, well holy cow.
How do you deal with these whole new blended family scenarios and [00:08:00] there are many of the different varieties as you were just, you know, kind of mentioning. What are you thinking over there, Mr. Robinson? I
Neil Robinson: just wanna know if they actually ever said what happened to the other spouses in the Brady Bunch?
Like where, where did, like I never asked like just, I’m like, how did, because you think about those dynamics of the things where like the significant other dies in some, some horrible way or some like, you know, whatever. So not so, so it’s not so bad that the person gets remarried. It’s not like, like did they ever say like, what happened to the previous?
It’s
Chris Gazdik: not white. What? I was swinging over to you .
Neil Robinson: Sorry. You asked where my brain was. That’s what I was thinking. Like, did they
Chris Gazdik: ever know that you got my brain there? Because you know what? Now I need to know like what happened to Greg’s uh, Well, ex-wife or whatever, right? I
Neil Robinson: mean, what, all right, so, so if the audience, if you guys know, like, let us know what happened to the Brady, but like the previous,
Chris Gazdik: we need somebody on Facebook live to Google us, and then let us know on the comments there that that is gonna bug the crap out of me.
Sorry. Thanks, . Now I gotta, I did very valid question
Neil Robinson: [00:09:00] though. But, but no, I think the dynamics of, of the parents and when you add new caregivers and then like you said, siblings, cuz I have, I have a half-brother and a stepsister. Yeah. So there’s that with it too. And so like yeah, you’re adding like
Victoria Pendergrass: another layer to it.
Neil Robinson: Yeah. Well, cause my, my stepdad had a kid from a first marriage going back to, right. Yeah. And then he, my mom and stepdad had a kid. So like, it adds another whole, none of the dynamics. So Yeah. So yeah, that’s, that’s definitely a crazy thing.
Victoria Pendergrass: Then it also like, , you’re the same age as the other kid. As Yeah. As the other kid.
And then it’s almost like you’re twins or so, you know, because you’re in the same grade if you’re at the same school. But then now technically you’re in the same family and you’re the same age. And I, I mean, I think there’s a bunch of different aspects to it. , there’s so
Chris Gazdik: many layers that happen and then it’s always like, well, how do you handle this one?
I never heard anybody [00:10:00] talk about those. You’re right. And, and, and I’ve done small town therapy for a lot, mu much of my career. Right. And it is a small town around here. And that happens. Yeah. We do
Victoria Pendergrass: have small town
Chris Gazdik: mentality. It, it’s been, well, I didn’t say mentality. Well, not
Victoria Pendergrass: mental, well, I guess not mentality,
Chris Gazdik: but we’ll have hate mail coming in Victoria.
But no, I, it, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s a thing where, you know, I’ve had teachers that start dating the, the parent and, and different neighbors, you know, begin dating. And so you or my neighbor, Buddy, now you’re my sibling. Like, it, it is, it’s really a lot of adjustments, isn’t it? Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: it can be. Yeah, for sure.
Chris Gazdik: So let’s dial in a little bit here with like, what really is the role, do you think of a stepparent?
I think I just want to open it up broadly. What’s the role? How does a stepparent traverse this newness now?
Victoria Pendergrass: I think it caution maybe . Okay. At least at the beginning. Cuz I mean, at the beginning you’re trying to figure out like you know, how much do I [00:11:00] discipline? Do I discipline at all? Do I, you know, am I just a support person?
Do you know, do I you’re trying to find the, figure out the path of like the, what you’re supposed to do. And I think a lot of that comes with communication. With your new spouse and you know, also communication with the kids, depending how old they are.
Chris Gazdik: So I hear you saying we’re trying to develop the role.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. I mean, yeah. At least in the beginning. That’s because, I mean, I think it’s gonna depend on the family. I mean, you might marry someone who doesn’t want the stepparent to have any involvement in discipline, you know? Mm-hmm. like, okay, well I’m the real parent. Or not the re well not the real parent, but do people say that?
Yeah. I mean, I’m theological parent. I’m the biological parent. The biological parent. So it’s between me and the other biological parent and you know, and then you don’t get a vote. Right? Well then you all might [00:12:00] also have, where if you are the stepparent, you don’t know. I mean, if the biological parent is not around and the child does something that needs to really disciplined or needs to have some type of reaction or response, Yeah.
Like man, do I do it? Do I not do it?
Chris Gazdik: Like what do I do? What I hear you saying is there’s just a lot of variation, variance in this for sure. There’s a lot of variance and variations that you come across. Neil, from a nonclinical perspective, I’m guess I’m kind of curious, open-endedly, like what your angle is or what you’ve experienced as what is the step parent’s role?
Neil Robinson: It’s to be a parent. . Ah, a step parent’s role is to be the parent. Yeah. And so in my head you’re like, you have to figure all the, I’m like, no, if, if you marry someone that has kids, your job is now part caretaker of that child, whether it’s yours or not. Now how you handle the gra the situation between the [00:13:00] other, you know, the other parent, you know, your counterpart on the other side or anything like that.
to me, if you’re there for the kid with the kid’s best interests at heart, the kid is going to see that. And while it might be rough at first, they will eventually get through that. But my job, like if I have my kid’s friends over mm-hmm. , my job is to make sure they’re safe and responsible and things are getting done.
And that’s a parent rule and that’s a parent role.
Victoria Pendergrass: Even though they’re not technically your kids.
Neil Robinson: Right. Because that’s what I, if they come over, that’s what I signed up for. So with my par, both my stepparents, my stepmom, and my stepdad, they took the role as my other parent when I was over here at that relationship.
Now the politics that went on between, like when we do something now, we get interesting. Like that’s a whole nother conversation that as a younger person I wasn’t involved in, but I was also raised to say that stepparent is your parent and they treated me like their kid. And I think that’s what has to me in my head, it’s a no-brainer.
That has to happen now. There’s a lot of struggles I think with,
Victoria Pendergrass: I was [00:14:00] gonna say I have specific, yeah. Well I have a specific case of mine. in mind where the stepparent is extremely cautious and does not want to discipline and do roles of the parent. Yeah. With the the step kid. And so, I mean, I think the and goal is, the goal is to get where what to what Neil is saying,
Chris Gazdik: the goal is to, I just wanna say Victoria, therein lies what you experience in our therapy office.
Right. Neil’s able to kind of, that’s why I love Yeah. You’re able to give an idea the situation, , right. It’s, it’s just kind of clean cut, but it’s, but it’s really not. There’s a lot of questions and doubts and fears and confusions that happen that we see in our therapy office where it isn’t so clean cut.
I, I love both what you did with that because it, it, there is so much variance. Mm-hmm. , I just agreed and saw that in our therapy office, but it also has the word parent in [00:15:00] stepparent Neil. Right. I wanna, I wanna divulge into a quick personal story to demonstrate like the, the adjustment that this is. So my parents got divorced when I was somewhere around 10, 12 years old or so, and after a while or whatever, my dad got remarried and so I don’t know, I was like a teenager or whatever when this one poignant particular conversation occurred between my dad and I, and I hope I’m not I hope he’s not upset that I would share this, but you know, it, it, it made me feel really, really stupid.
But I was so glad that he said what he said to me and he didn’t say much. You know, he had a way of just like, okay, because I didn’t, you know, it was Mother’s Day or something and, and I, I think it was Mother’s Day, maybe it was a birthday even, but it was this and that. I, I, I’m a teenager. I didn’t buy cards.
I didn’t think of pe other people. I’m so egocentric, right? Like I’m a teenager, right. But he looked at me one day and all he said was, you [00:16:00] know, Chris, in the store, they do have stepparent cards. I was like, oh, oh. They do? I guess they do. I didn’t know that they, I literally did not think in the capacity at that point.
Okay. To honor my stepmom in that way. And I don’t know if I ever said sorry about that , but I, I am I, I’m sorry about that. In that I didn’t, I just didn’t know, I didn’t think about it. And he really helped me with these, with these adjustments. Yeah. Over the years as a therapist, I have got a, what I think is a really simple to understand and important guidepost about this idea of what is the role, and we’re gonna get into a lot of complications on what are the drawbacks, what are the, what are the boundary adjustments, how does this work?
And then we have a lot to get to. I even thought about making this a part one and part two honestly, because there’s so many confusing things and difficult things [00:17:00] that, that go into this. So bear with me. I may pull that. As a, as a choice. Neil, you let me know what you think at some point if, if, if, if, if that makes sense to do or not.
Or you can, you could veto me now. What do you
Neil Robinson: think? I’m fine with. I mean, there’s a lot of stuff that you cover and I feel like there really is, it kind of makes me wonder if, go ahead and plan to do two parts just so we don’t rush.
Chris Gazdik: Right. Cause
Neil Robinson: that’s what I was saying. That’s what I, I mean, I could think that would be very, there’s so much in this.
There is, there is a lot. And, and the one thing I do wanna point out that between you and just even you and me, I was like six when my parents got remarried. Let’s see now maybe I was eight. I think I was eight when you were an early teen, late tween, whatever. Right? That five, six years makes a difference.
Huge. When you added your, and then if you make it, you know, I’m thinking about like, my dad got remarried, you know, like 10 years ago, and I. I really like the lady, but I like, I’m not gonna call her my mom because it’s weird. So you have those weird [00:18:00] aspects of like, depending when the age of the kid then dictates kind of the boundaries that are in place because there’s a different stage in their life.
You have so
Chris Gazdik: stolen my thunder. Yes. . The Thunder cloud has already clapped and I haven’t spoken. No, I You’re right on point. Neil, you are so insightful and I value you in that way because it’s a nonclinical perspective that you have, but your experience and, and it’s, it’s, it’s on point. Here’s my guidepost over the years in a therapy office is exactly to that huge differential.
It’s not a simple differential. It’s a huge differential. So a stepparent role that I’ve really gone by and helped many, many people try to traverse the adjustments. Is that a stepparent? Mm-hmm. is not. ever a friend. Right. I would agree. They’re also not ever a full [00:19:00] biological parent. They’re not a parent.
Yes. And they’re not a friend. The younger a child is at onset of the relationship. Exactly what you described, Neil determines more of the typical, it’s an important word, role that you play. If a child is closer to just birth, you are more like a parent. Mm-hmm. . If the kid is more older than you’re more like a friend.
So you can never be a friend, you can never be a parent. And the age of the onset of the. child Determines more typically what you kind of are, think about it. Yeah. If you should begin a stepparent relationship with this kid and the kid’s three years old, I mean, you’re wiping bottoms and cleaning stuff and taking baths and guiding this kid.
I mean, you’re, you’re really involved in their life. Yeah. Like a parent would be, right? Yeah. But if your kid is 15 years old and you introduce yourself, Hey, I’m marrying your mom and I’m your [00:20:00] stepdad. All right buddy. Nice to meet you. Yeah. Yes buddy. Care you’re gonna get
Victoria Pendergrass: from a 15 year old. Well, and I think to add to that, I also think it depends on the status of the other biological parent.
So what I mean by that is, for example,
Chris Gazdik: I think I disagree with you, but I’ll, I’ll push
Victoria Pendergrass: back it. Okay. Well, what I, what I think I mean is if if the other parent dies, for example, okay, so like, Say you get divorced. Yeah. And you’re a widower. I’m a widow. Yeah. And so, but you’re divorced already and you remarry, but then your ex passes away.
I think that because there is not a presence of that other parent, then the, especially if the kid is still younger, the kid might be more likely, maybe not to call them DA dad. I don’t know about all that logistically, but they might, you might play more of that [00:21:00] parental role because there is than absence of you.
Am I making
Neil Robinson: sense? You, you, it becomes a need. There’s no, yeah. It might be that’s not there where the other’s kinda like the luxury, oh, now I got two dads, or I have two moms now. Like, oh, okay, that’s nice, but,
Victoria Pendergrass: or like if a parent is in jail, then obviously they’re not that involved in the kid’s life. And so then the stepparent would.
I just feel, I don’t know, I might, I feel maybe I’m talking in circles.
Chris Gazdik: I think the way that I wanna push back at that Victoria is yes, there’s lots of circumstances. The right ex spouse or I hate the term. Mm-hmm. . But we all know the term. You know, baby daddy or mommy? Daddy, you know, or Mommy, what is it?
Baby Daddy is baby mama. Baby mama. Thank you . God. You know, they’re horrible. terms You know, when you weren’t married or when you were divorced, or you might be a widower or the other person might have addiction issues or they might have been terminating parent rights. There, there are so many facets that do come into this.
Yeah, I think that what I wanna push [00:22:00] back in as okay and say is that the guidepost of you’re never a friend, you’re never a parent, still applies. The younger that the kid is, the more apparent like you are. Right. And the more friend like you are if the kid is older remains. So, okay. Yeah. I mean, I can get that because, because when their parent is actively involved, that doesn’t, let me say this.
Listen, when the other parent is actively involved, that does not diminish your role in this kid’s life. Very sure. Very sure. It’s, it’s still, you are still a super, all you stepparents out there, listen, you are still a super valuable resource for this kid’s. Life. And that’s part of what we’re gonna talk about, right?
With the advantages and things to celebrate with this. Like, that’s a fantastic piece. They get more bang for the buck. , the kid gets ba more heads caring about them.
Neil Robinson: I got more birthdays, more report card money. Like more that was like double Christmas, double Thanksgivings. Like it was absolutely right.
Jackpot.
And,
Chris Gazdik: and I think that’s so [00:23:00] important because a stepparent can feel devalued. Mm-hmm. or deep questions about, I don’t have a place here, I’m, I’m unimportant. , you’re the biological parent, and you take these kids, they don’t care about me. Like none of that is really valid or true. The ideal is like, you’re really an integral part.
I mean, you’re living with these people and you’re a parent figure. Mm-hmm. . So there’s a lot of factors, Victoria, but I push back because you know, that, that still has great value in and, and, and in the adult’s life, by the way. You know how much you learn about becoming a parent about yourself, the stepparent, they’re really involved there.
Victoria Pendergrass: All right. No, yeah. I can get where you’re coming from. Is it? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it does. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: But I think, you know, what we’ve touched on is the thought that I had in a, in a big way of a lot of this does begin to get negotiated, [00:24:00] right? You, you said, Neil, maybe I’ll kick it back to you in that.
I wasn’t involved in all of those political things. , I, I was the kid. You said you were young, right? About six or so. Yeah,
Neil Robinson: I think I was, I think when they finally got married, I think the last merge, I think I was eight. Cause I think I was 91. No, I was 90, so I would’ve been seven.
Chris Gazdik: So yeah. So the, so the fascination here is as through young eyes just experiencing this now, having the adult parental mind because you’re a parent, like what can you imagine those political aspirations were of the different characters involved or the different points of negotiation?
Cuz it can get nasty.
Neil Robinson: Yeah. The, they were a few times I know that. Well we had, there were some custody battles at one. . There was some, you know, being from Ohio and moving down here, there was a lot of stuff with that. And then at one point I moved in with my dad at the end. Like there is, I’m sure that there was a lot of stuff that like I had no clue [00:25:00] about, but I knew, I, I would hear things of like, can’t do this or do that, or trying to work together with child support and then getting other stuff does like, yeah.
It’s just like, I just don’t, that’s why my Alicia me, like, we really don’t want to ever get divorced cuz we don’t want to deal with that stuff. You don’t wanna deal with the
Victoria Pendergrass: logistical
Neil Robinson: nightmare of getting divorced . So
Chris Gazdik: it’s a lot. Mm-hmm. it’s a lot and it’s a lot of emotion that gets flowed around mm-hmm.
that we need to deal with because the parents do need to be political and I don’t mind that word to me. Right. I know we’ve, we’ve, we’ve pretty much damned that word in our culture. Like politics are bad. Well, to me it’s a group of people kind of figuring out together how we’re going to operate. What are the operational norms, what are the operational standards?
What are the operational, oh, here’s a very key word, right? Expectations that we have here with these different and very new and very important relationships. Like this is, my kid [00:26:00] says the divorce parent. And you’re marrying who, right? Oh, it can get .
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, it can get well. And then you have to include like, you know, you don’t wanna do it in front of the kids and you don’t, you know, like you gotta be c cautious of, you know, conflicts, conflict, and then you know what kind of impression you’re leaving on your kids.
And you know, if you. Knock out, drag out, screaming, fighting, like about custody, which right in front of your kids, like what kind of example is that setting for that happens?
Neil Robinson: We walked, we had one, I had one situation with my stepdad and my dad that got pretty heated at one as as we got older it was kind of, yeah, I don’t know the whole thing.
I just know it just got, which is funny that it was, as we were older, like it wasn’t early on it,
Chris Gazdik: like the norm were all established and everything was in flow and life’s going along, right? Yep.
Neil Robinson: And so that was kind of strange. But you know, there was some, yeah, yeah, we, there was a conflict , so, [00:27:00]
Chris Gazdik: and that’s all we get today, ,
Victoria Pendergrass: and that’s all that
Neil Robinson: information.
It didn’t really involve me, I just know what was going on. And so it was always one of those things that’s like, well,
Chris Gazdik: people develop a relat. A relationship with you as you know, little young Neil. I mean, I’m a stepparent and I care deeply about this kid. And Yeah. And, and things begin to be discussed hopefully and whatnot.
But yeah, so, so there’s, there’s a lot of negotiation. And by the way, I’ve, I’ve, a little bit ago I made a definitive statement in my mind, I wanna do a part two because we have way more to get to with this than we’re gonna get to today. Right?
Neil Robinson: Yeah. I mean, we’re almost 30
Chris Gazdik: minutes in our right . I mean, and this
Victoria Pendergrass: is, and we’ve barely scratched this surface.
Yeah. Because these
Chris Gazdik: are things that people don’t talk about.
Victoria Pendergrass: I think it is sometimes a taboo kind of, of you know, what crosses a line, what’s too much information to share? , you know, like, and that’s why it been made so many TV references right now, but like , seriously.
Chris Gazdik: That’s why I really like the guidepost there.
I’ll say [00:28:00] it again. You’re never a friend. You’re never a parent, right? Age of onset of your parental relationship. The more young, the more a friend, the more, I’m sorry, the more old, the more a friend, the more young, the more apparent I, that holds pretty true in all of my years of doing therapy. That’s been pretty solid.
And I’ve stood on that mm-hmm. for a long time, and it, it, it really hasn’t guided me wrong. But, but here’s an interesting piece in this. What is this role? Remember I told you this questions from the beginning, right? Hmm. , I want you to think about I, I wanna review ’em real quick. What is the step parent’s role?
Well, we’re covering that a lot, but in that discussion, what life adjustments need to be made by the stepparent and the child, but then also, here’s one, how to accept a stepparent being presented by the divorced other custodial parent. So in this discussion of what is the step parent’s role? Mm-hmm. , my question is, how does the other parent get to contribute to that discussion?
[00:29:00] Ooh. How sticky does that get? Oh, you should see, y’all should see Victory’s face on the video. do that again.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. I mean, I just don’t know. I’ve had, I don’t know. I’ve had, when I was working in schools, I’ve been to a plethora of i e P meetings, 5 0 4 meetings, behavioral. Whatever meetings where it, there’s like six people in the room because you’ve got, like, you’ve got mom, and then, but then stepdad wants to be involved, and then you have dad, but then stepmom also wants to be involved.
And so then you’ve, and then you’ve got me and you’ve got the teacher, you have the principal, and you’ve got whoever else. And like, we’re all
Chris Gazdik: trans genuine circus
Victoria Pendergrass: sometimes, isn’t it? Yeah. They’re just like, I don’t know. It’s just, I mean, I’ve been, but then I’ve been, you know,
Chris Gazdik: and I hope one of the ways you land on that is they all have a place, right?
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. They, well, and then they all care. They all care about the care. They all wanna be involved. But then I’ve also been in situations where you know, I end up meeting with [00:30:00] a stepparent because for, you know, whatever reason, the parent can’t, like the primary parent can’t come. And so then I’m working with, A stepparent on a behavioral health plan for their stepchild.
Right. And like, you know, and so then it’s, and the other
Chris Gazdik: custodial parent may or may not be there. Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: For whatever reason. And yeah, I mean,
Chris Gazdik: it’s Neil, are you beginning to see the head spin that this can create from a clinical standpoint and all the different combinations and angles that we, that we see with this?
Well,
Neil Robinson: it’s, it goes back with everything else. The more people, more personalities, more variations on it. So it just, there’s a complexity to it that’s just, yeah. I mean, it’s. You know, two people in their personalities. Now you have four people in their personalities, then goes back to blended. Now you have kids, now you have their, there’s two or three more personnel, like the dynamics and how each person perceives, how each person sees what they think they need to be [00:31:00] doing.
Goes back to your statement, like setting those expectations. This, that parent’s role is this at this time.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. And I just thought of something Okay. Which I don’t even know if we’re gonna talk about this, but like and I don’t even know if you’ve thought about, have you thought about consent when you’re working with Oh, absolutely.
Stepparent, like I’ve. Come across that when I was at agency, like
Chris Gazdik: back up. A lot of people might not really understand what you mean by consent.
Victoria Pendergrass: So when I talk about consent, I mean, when you come to therapy you have to sign like consent forms for treatment saying that you agree to treatment. There’s also like HIPAA and other forms and stuff like that, but basically when you’re a child you have to have your legal guardian sign the paperwork.
And I have run is into issues before. Yeah. Where I’m working with a stepparent and because. They don’t have custody. That parent doesn’t have legal guardianship, legal custody over the child. Like they can’t sign up, they can’t do that work. Absolutely. And so they may say like, oh yeah, this, my kid definitely needs school-based therapy, which is what I was doing before.
Like [00:32:00] my kid D, this kid definitely needs school-based therapy. I’m like, okay, here’s the registration form. Ah, but you can’t sign it. No, you cannot. Legal guardian has to sign it. And then like, they get upset. They get upset or you know, they’re confused. They want it, but then, and their spouse wants it, but then the other biological parent doesn’t want it.
And so then they’re like, well, I don’t want my kid doing this. Or there’s, you know, and so then you get like, like leg legit logistical.
Chris Gazdik: Particularly when nightmare, when people are not reasonable in the highlight of the priority, which is the what? The benefit and beneficial aspects, the health and safety of the kid.
That’s a bottom line. Right? Listen, I have become actually fairly aggressive at times in therapy when I see a lot of discombobulated anger or [00:33:00] turmoil or, you know resentment. I, I have had a direct frank hard conversation with the adult saying, look, I am little Johnny’s therapist. I want you to understand this.
I am little Johnny’s therapist. That is my priority. That is my directive. That is what you’re wanting me to work with. And when it comes to these other factors, you know, I’m gonna be pretty strong about what’s in the best interest of this kid. Not in a safety and neglect DSS kind of way and whatever, but mm-hmm.
cutting through some of this nonsense and slack that you’re bringing because it hurts the kid. Yep.
Victoria Pendergrass: I mean, I was telling you about that. I, I have a, I have a student and. . I know a stu a a kid that I meet with now. I mean, he is technically a student, but anyways, yep, I digress. And the dad, the parents were divorced and the dad wanted to meet me.
I had mainly been dealing with mom and the dad wanted to meet me. So dad came one day and I met [00:34:00] with mom and dad. We sure we wasted, I don’t wanna say, maybe I shouldn’t say wasted, but we spent the first 30 minutes of our 50 minute session, our own session with mom and dad, and eventually I had to cut them off and I s.
Frankly, I suggested to them that they might wanna seek, even though they’re not married anymore, they might wanna seek some counseling to help with the best interests of their child. Cuz now at in, in that session where I said, okay, well we’ve wasted half a session and now I only have this much time with your son
And so like, and, and I know you all they do, they just kept going. I know you using the word
Chris Gazdik: wasted and correcting yourself a little bit. And I’m, and I’m glad for that because honestly that’s not wasted time. Right. I mean no think, but the reality of it is we are identifying quite likely a primary issue.
Hmm. .
Victoria Pendergrass: Yes.
Chris Gazdik: Right. Yeah. We are identifying a primary issue because I will tell you, I know we’re getting a little bit off track from [00:35:00] Yeah. Sorry. From where we are, but that’s okay because all of these factors are, are important and big, a huge indicator. Mm-hmm. of the health and wellbeing of your child is determined by the conflict level.
between the custodial parents. That’s something that we need to highlight. I
Victoria Pendergrass: was gonna say, you might wanna repeat that ,
Chris Gazdik: the level of health and wellbeing of the child is correlated very highly. Meaning it’s very, very connected to the level of conflict between the two custodial parents. So that needs to be dealt with.
Oftentimes it can be a primary issue, which goes back again to the question to circle us back around, you know, how much does the other parent get to contribute to the step parenting role? And I, I, I think I’m gonna say this to move us along, you know, that’s part of what’s negotiated and part of what’s managed because sometimes that [00:36:00] custodial parent to parent relationship struggles greatly.
And you have to really set tough boundaries and have hard lines. Mm-hmm. , you don’t get to contribute to this. , you know, other than what we legally ascribe, which oftentimes is, you know, never speak badly about the other parent, other parent needs, notification of medical appointments and all the stuff that you get.
Mm-hmm. in the legalese. The ideal is that yes, we can discuss things, we have a low level of conflict and your view or concern of the stepparent we need to talk about and deal with. You know, that’s the ideal. So, but there’s a flowing, there’s a flowing real, it gets messy, you know, it’s, it’s a moving target to a, to a certain extent because obviously the ex parent does not get a vote on who you marry.
Do we need to be clear about that? I mean, of course. No, I mean, I, I would agree. You don’t get a vote, right? Yeah. But what’s happening with the child between the two custodial [00:37:00] parents, you do need to have as you go, Neil, you know, some of those politics
Neil Robinson: Well, I, I think especially if it’s a fresh divorce and depending how the divorce happens, there’s a lot of emotions that go into this.
So whether the other, the new stepparent is great for the kid or not, there’s still the, the fresh wound that the other, the ex is gonna be fighting with, the other parent’s gonna be fighting with through this whole conversation. So there’s this power struggle. There’s a lot of the stuff that goes into it.
It just, it makes it very hard cuz of that layer of the emotions that’s on top of it and it, and it’s not the emotions for what’s best for the kid, it’s for what’s best. You know, what do I want because this person hurt me and I just want to be a pain in the butt, you know? Right. Because I, there’s a, I’ve heard a lot of stories about some very petty split, oh my gosh.
Split. You know, where you get the one parent not doing something just to sp like it goes back to neglecting the kid. [00:38:00] So yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: It all directly impacts the kid,
Neil Robinson: the other
Chris Gazdik: parent, again, it’s a primary issue. Yeah. When that stuff’s going on and, and, and when it’s, when it’s to a certain level, again, like I said, I, I will get pretty strong draw strong lines in, in a therapy relationship and I don’t mind doing that because I know how directly correlated it is to the health and wellbeing of that child.
Yeah. I’ve
Victoria Pendergrass: definitely, when I was working in the school and even, even in my short time here, like I’ve definitely had to say, . Okay. Let’s refocus and remind ourselves that our priority is said child and or even when you’re in school, it said multiple kids, if they have sibling, you know, it’s about them.
It’s not about, you know, who can be the pettiest person. .
Chris Gazdik: Right. So we’re gonna go into boundary a, a adjustments, but let’s take a quick timeout for our sponsor of through a therapist size the podcast. So Better help. Better [00:39:00] Help is a sponsor of our show. What do you think about online video counseling, miss Victoria?
I think
Victoria Pendergrass: it is very useful and something, sometimes it’s, some, some people’s only choice in ther in when seeking. .
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. You’ve kind of highlighted that a se several times. I mean, it, it’s cool because it really is something that you can access in your own home. The virtual world and Covid has, has taught us the value of that.
Better Help is a great way to receive counseling. Look, we talk on this show about, it’s a therapy show, and I’m sure a lot of people that tune into this program, you know, and talk about all of these things with us, about therapy world, like Better Help is a realistic and real way. I, I wouldn’t endorse that if I didn’t really believe it to engage your own therapy experience.
Well, our,
Victoria Pendergrass: our listeners can’t travel all the way to Mount Holly. No, they can’t, can’t see us. They can’t come see you. And so you know, sometimes online, and I mean, the good thing about Better Help is you can [00:40:00] have access to your therapist 24 7, right? I mean, you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re having a panic attack, you can text your therapist.
And they’re available. And so that’s great thing.
Chris Gazdik: Did we ever figure out the hashtag on there? It’s better help.com/something. Do you know? I
Neil Robinson: believe just through a therapist eyes. Okay. But I’ll double check and see. And like I said, the link is on the, on the website. Go to counseling on the top of the website and it’ll take you right there.
So, but I think it’s, I think it’s, we’ll just say through Therapist eyes. Cause I can’t remember if it’s that or Tape Podcast.
Chris Gazdik: I meant to check that out before we We did that today because you’re right, we can go to the website. You click on counseling and that is the button that goes to Better Help. And they fill out a little survey, they connect you directly with a therapist that matches your survey information basically.
And then you just go on from there. It’s as easy as that. 1, 2, 3. Well you
Victoria Pendergrass: get like a 10% discount, don’t you? You
Chris Gazdik: get a 10% discount when you go through our website. Yes. Yeah. So that is the advantage to [00:41:00] you. So better Help is an awesome way to engage a therapy experience. And let’s get back to the show. . So Neil, we’re gonna talk about these these boundary adjustments now and went down through a list and, and I think that’s what we’re gonna get to today.
And then next show in part two, what you’re gonna get is the extended family factors, you know, as it goes to the other parent. And then advantages and disadvantages, pitfalls to, to avoid. But we wanna, I really wanna highlight, like, this is a, a good thing, everyone listening out there, stepparents are a great thing.
Lots of advantages. This is a celebration of your relationship with this child. But before we get to the boundary questions, Neil, I mean, I’ve, I’m, I’m just kind of checking in with you. Like I, I’m, I’m just curious if we’re making your head spin with some of these things that you may not have really thought about because I get, I, I don’t know for sure, but I think your experience with the Blend family went, went pretty well.
I’ve never really heard you talk much about this, and I’ve known you for a little while now. So, [00:42:00] Yeah. I
Neil Robinson: mean, no, I, I, I would say I’m probably the exception. Yeah. I’m very in my own bubble. I live my own world through what I want to see, so I had a great experience with my, with my situation. Now, my older half-brother, he might have come up with a different story cuz you know, and then my older sister that was, I know my older sister and my half-brother butted heads a lot, alpha personalities closer in age.
Yeah. How my sister perceived it versus how I perceived it, maybe completely different. Probably completely different. She was, she was a year and a half older than me, so, you know, for me, I had a great experience with it. I was very clear when my parents’ roles, I know my parents’ divorce was not because of me.
I just knew they,
Chris Gazdik: they shouldn’t have been. I guess I would, John, just jump in. I’m, I’m, I’m just wondering if you’ve, like, thought about all these, a lot of these different angles that we’ve already brought up in a short time. I guess basically
the
Victoria Pendergrass: ways that it could have gone, things that could have happened
Neil Robinson: in [00:43:00] your, and, and I’ve seen a lot of the other, other sides of it between friends or every, so I mean, I’m always invested in this my, my.
Her parents got divorced or they got separated, then he came back and then they got divorced and like he came from a previous marriage. So like we’re, her and I are both from kind of this weird thing cuz actually our dads have a lot of com similarities, which is kinda weird, but Yeah. So yeah, so no, I’ve a lot of stuff you’ve talked about, I’ve, I’ve thought about it between my kids, my relationship, what I grew up with, and then also their friends or you know, family and all that other stuff.
There’s a lot of dynamics I’ve been a part of. Okay. Neil?
Victoria Pendergrass: Neil is definitely in a bubble because Yes, I’ve feel like compared to my experience working now, I don’t, you know, my parents are still together, so I don’t have personal experience of that. Mm-hmm. . But like, I feel like the parents and the families that I work with in the school and here, now, some of them might be in your bubble, in that bubble with you.
Chris Gazdik: Most of them [00:44:00] are not . Neil’s got a wonderful, happy little bubble. Don’t try to pop his bubble. Oh, I am
Victoria Pendergrass: not trying to pop Neil. Once
Neil Robinson: again, I was the kid, not the adult. Like, I don’t know what happened, like between my parents and like school, if there was ever a weird
Chris Gazdik: issue. I think what Victoria’s saying, Neil, is a lot of kids know exactly what happened between these parents in these situations.
They, they know they, it’s in their face. Yeah. Which is, which is problematic to some,
Neil Robinson: to some extent. Yeah. I mean, parents
Victoria Pendergrass: should keep together, which kinda goes back to boundaries, you know? It definitely does. Like . So let’s
Chris Gazdik: run through some of these, some of these boundary adjustments that I brainstormed to think about because there are a lot of them.
And let’s, let’s kind of lay into some of them to begin us thinking about how do we do these adjustments. You know, the first thing that came on my list when I thought about, right, like what are the life adjustments needing to be made by the stepparent? Mm-hmm. and the, and the child. And then how much does the.
Other biological custodial parent have to play into this. It is [00:45:00] a very, very, very weird thing if you get weird, weird to get into the space if you’ve never been divorced, to then get divorced. And even when you’re angry with this other person, realizing that there’s this whole other adult in the picture now.
Mm-hmm. , like we have had however many months or years a marriage or even prior to marriage, if we’ve lived together, common law, you know what have you. Right. I mean, we’ve had sexual relationships, our finances were intertwined. Mm-hmm. , we have life experiences that are unique between me and you, and no one ever will be a part of that.
It’s like really, I mean, it’s an intimately close relationship that now has been severed. and somebody else has it. Like, that’s a very strange adjustment. You know what I’m saying? [00:46:00] Yeah. To really get in those shoes and to be honest about the feelings that you have, the jealousy, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, there’s so many different emotional realities that come into this adjustment simply by the other person dating, let alone, you know, getting remarried and being a parent in my kid’s life.
Huge. Well,
Victoria Pendergrass: right? Like, I mean if your, the point of view from the stepparent, your new spouse was in love with this other person first, who knows how many years in love enough to birth children with them. Right. And, you know, and now it’s, it can be hard to adjust. So now I’m accepting the fact that they’re now fully in love with me and they wanna.
Make kids with me maybe. And like, are they, are they, yeah, they’re like, are they really over the other person? Like, I mean, I’m a total, it’s a lot negative person inside [00:47:00] the go. Straight to the bad. But , you’d what? I go straight to the bad. Like, oh, they’re still in love with them and Well, you don’t watch, know they’re fully over them and like, you know, I mean, there’s lots of questions that kind of get so it’s totally weird.
It’s
Chris Gazdik: totally weird. And it’s not something that people oftentimes feel comfortable talking about. Oh yeah. Honestly, even in a therapy relationship, I don’t hear people talking about this. They have, we have, I’ve brought it up sometimes. Mm-hmm. , particularly when I see some of the clinical issues kind of popping, it’s kinda like, well wait a minute.
Have you ever really been able to accept this change? And they look at me sometimes like, what do you mean Chris? Accept what? Well, except that there’s really somebody else that this person love and they’ll be like, oh, I don’t care. I’m so over that. You know? But it’s kind of like, okay, well, okay, okay. You know, there’s a lot there.
you have a right smile of of it.
Neil Robinson: It’s just the like, you know, are you mad at me? No, I’m not mad at you. Like, it’s like there’s this, [00:48:00] sometimes the emotions can’t be hidden, and so they say one thing, but they’re really, but I think that’s a great thing to think of because I don’t think I ever thought about that with my parents.
You know, when I think about like when they separated and the stuff that I’m like, oh, I’ve never really thought about that from like this.
Chris Gazdik: What would you, what would you say feel like you just think about it, like if your wife. You know, ended up being with another guy. Well, now, well don’t think about that.
cre. Well, but this is what
Victoria Pendergrass: we face. Well, and then as you know, challenge you to think of the other perspective that we haven’t really talked about, which is the kid’s perspective. Right. Of, okay, so what, so depending, depending on the age of the kid, obviously, well, your parents get divorced, right? So, but then before they start dating and getting out there, sometimes you might have this slimmer of hope that your parents might get back together.
Right? That might be a possibility. And so then when one of your parents then says like, oh, I’m seriously dating. Oh, this person is lost. Yeah. Like all of a [00:49:00] sudden you go from having this hope of like, okay, like my parents are getting along. They’re not, they’re divorced, but they’re getting along. Like there might be this hope of them getting back together.
Kids think that now and then like, so then the finality of like, oh, now he. My mom is marrying a completely different man. So there is now no hope of my parents. I mean, I don’t know. I feel like that’s pretty valid.
Chris Gazdik: Like a major grief experience.
Neil Robinson: Yeah. I was about to say grief. And then that closure. Have they actually gotten closure that that’s now off the table.
Right. You know,
Chris Gazdik: and so that’s, let me throw another one here. Right? I got so many of these good ones that we’re just, we’re gonna have to be choosy about. Maybe we’ll touch base with these next time too, but we got other things to get to. What about in the issue of boundary adjustments? Right. You know, oftentimes there’s a stepparent that comes into the picture and, oh, we’re all parents in this room.
They’ve never had kids before. Yep. Wow. Right. [00:50:00] Different
Victoria Pendergrass: perspective. Different
Chris Gazdik: perspective. I will maintain and anybody that doesn’t have children out there, I don’t mean to be offensive, but I speak from insight both clinically and personally. It’s, I, I think there’s very few things in life that this is really so for seriously and truly very few things in life that this is, so for that, if you haven’t had a kid, you really don’t know what it’s like to be a parent.
You, you really have such an, an impossibly difficult time to be in the shoes of a parent. If you haven’t been a parent and I
Victoria Pendergrass: Now you can. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we’re not knocking people who absolutely don’t have kids.
Chris Gazdik: I mean, take, I took the bad side. Yeah, you take the good
Victoria Pendergrass: side, Victoria. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, we’re totally not knocking people who choose not to have kids, but then also then turn around and choose to be in a marriage with someone who already has kids, nor your
Chris Gazdik: feedback or your perspective or your orientation.
I mean, that’s all really, really helpful and healthy. But this creates great boundary
Victoria Pendergrass: adjustments. Well, I mean, even [00:51:00] as a therapist now, I, now that I have a child, even though he’s only, you see it different, don’t you? 10 months today, but happy 10 months. Yeah. But he, like, I noticed that I have a different perspective when working with other adults who have kids than when I did.
10 months ago, like , because I wasn’t a, I mean, I could empathize, you know, being a therapist in that sense, but I couldn’t fully understand what they were, where they were coming from, things they were talking about until I had my own child. And so, I mean, it’s very similar when you are choosing to marry someone who already has kids and you do not have any, I mean,
Neil Robinson: children, , here’s a thought process.
Yeah. We were all people that had no children, experienced that we had our kid and we grew our experience with the kid. Mm-hmm. now. So to me, someone coming in as a stepparent, I don’t
Chris Gazdik: understand what you just said.
Victoria Pendergrass: Let finish, I think
Neil Robinson: I get worries going. So before you had your kids, did you have [00:52:00] experience with kids?
No. Okay. A stepparent coming in with the same thing. Why or not, why don’t we have grace with them saying, look, we went through these struggles when we learned to have kids. But then here’s the other thing. Imagine coming in as a kid, as a parent, and you’re starting at age five. , or you’re starting at age 12, you don’t have the six, nine months of like, oh, it’s a baby.
He’s cute. I learned what they like or don’t like. Like the shock. You jump right into it. Right. So there’s the grace from the current parent with the new stepparent saying like, okay, I understand that you’re gonna have to adjust, but then now you have the stepparents coming in and being like, I now have to ra help raise something that can talk back
Yeah. That So it was like immediately. Yeah. Immediately. Right. And so that’s one of those things to kind of think about like that. That’s a big struggle for them. But I think as the parent, you have to be understanding like, look, they might not have this experience. And I already went through this.
Chris Gazdik: You kind of stole my thunder for the second time.
Yes. But this is only a kind of, okay, okay. [00:53:00] You’re, you’re absolutely right on point in the sense that there needs to be, let’s take both angles of this. Mm-hmm. , there needs to be grace from the parent who’s already been a parent towards the stepparent. They need grace. They are really in a tough spot to catch this.
However, the other side of it is we need to recognize as the stepparent, you’ve got a process here. And I do not know what that process has been for this individual kid. Not only that, I’m really behind the learning curve of being a parent in the first place. So I’m not gonna push into a space that I’m not a invited to or prepared for.
So let me go about this. It goes both ways because, because a stepparent can push way too hard and just think they’re the parent and respect me immediately, and that’s not gonna be realistic. And the the parent may realize, well, you know, I don’t really value your, here’s the key [00:54:00] original perspective that’s fresh.
This is valuable. . Right. So it goes really both ways, which is what I think I heard you saying. A good bit of Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. Well, and sorry, but like quickly. I mean, we don’t have to say it too long on this, but also if you’re coming into a marriage as a stepparent and you have your own kids and the way that you parent is slightly different than the way the other person parents, I feel like that’s gotta be some boundary setting too.
Well, that’s a nightmare. . I mean, , maybe that means that they probably, they may probably shouldn’t get married in the first place, but I mean, I’ll, I mean, I feel like there are gonna be times where you fall in love with someone and then you find out like, okay, our parenting styles are slightly different because we each have our own kids.
Well, and then, then you have to set boundaries for like how that
Chris Gazdik: works. Yeah. And that’s how you get into some of the negotiation component of how are we gonna run this, this home here? Here’s, and this goes kind of a little bit to. Victoria. You know, I, I think we could do three shows cuz we could have done a whole show awesomely have fun [00:55:00] and just park out here on the boundaries.
Right. Who’s in charge? Who’s in charge when you have a blended family and stepparents involved? Who’s in charge of the custodial parent or the stepparent? Depends. It’s a little bit of a trick question. .
Neil Robinson: It depends on the situation. Everyone. No kidding. . I mean, cause cause what’s
Chris Gazdik: interesting you say that, Victoria, what, what do you, what do you mean by that?
Well, I
Victoria Pendergrass: mean, if, okay, if I’m a stepparent and I’m home alone with my stepchildren, I am the one, like in that moment that’s in charge. If that’s, if we’re speaking literally, I mean, because there is no biological parent at you. Get away
from
Chris Gazdik: the literal and, and think about, you know, all the situations Victoria, you’ve dealt with, with who makes the house rules, who makes the house norms, what are the things that we sell mean
Victoria Pendergrass: you’re a family, that type of thing mean you make ’em together.
You’re a new family, so you make them
Chris Gazdik: together. Yeah. You, you’re kind of on it here. Here’s, here’s another one of my rules [00:56:00] of thumb that I’ve kind of gone by over many years to, to, to really get at and, and this has, this has helped this question like a lot over the years. The rule is, is that when the parent, when the, when the child is present, the parent is a step forward from the stepparent, they are your parent.
The other is not your parent. So there is a step forward that you, that you present. And stepparents might not like that. They bulk a lot at this. It’s a great struggle point because it’s kind of like, you know, well, I’m the man of the house. What are you talking about? I’m a step behind her. Well, she’s the biological parent to this child.
And that is a, a, a role that has been longer than your role in this kid’s life. Right? And that, that boundary has to be laid out. However, when the kid is not in the room, this is where it gets to what I think you were saying, Victoria. Mm-hmm. . Now we’re on equal footing. a hundred percent. 50 50 equal footing, right?[00:57:00]
Because this is my home. I live in this home. Right? Right. And so we have to come to how do we manage the rules of the house, the, the norms of the house, Sunday meals or no Sunday meals, you know, what we do with church or what we don’t do with church or finances involved in all this kind of stuff. There’s many, many questions with how do we operate as a family?
Well, it’s 50 50 in the home between the adults when the kid’s not present. But when the kid’s present, the parent needs to be a tick ahead. And that’s just the biological parent. The biological custodial parent is, is a tick ahead. Un Unless of course it’s like, you know, the, the kid is like a year and a half or even two years or whatever.
It’s like a really atic tick. But, but if the kid is like, you know, 15 years old, you’d probably be, you’re a step in front. You know, the, the stepparent is, is a little further back because it’s been 15 years I’ve been this kid’s parent.
Neil Robinson: I would disagree to a point. Ooh, he got, and the reason [00:58:00] why I say this is when you have, whether it’s biological or by marriage, to me parenting, you have to come at it with United front.
And if the parent has a veto power over the stepparent, it creates this weird conflict of interest where the, the child starts playing, the one that they’re going to think they’re gonna get away with. So if the biological parent can basically let the kid do whatever, and the stepparent has no say in the situation, even though it’s in the household, like I just feel as parenting, whether it’s a biological or marriage, you have to be united front.
in that, in that aspect. And, and, but, but this goes back to that household now, when you get one parent’s household versus another parent’s household, there’s that whole, each one has their own dynamics, but the parent and the stepparent to raise that child, you need to be on a united front and need to be in lockstep.
And if you, if you give that child that half an inch saying there’s a chink in this armor, because [00:59:00] biological, they’ll, they’ll take it advantage. So you have to be very conscious that the stepparent needs to understand. The biological parent does have precedence, like you said, over the childcare. That is their biological, but to the kid
Chris Gazdik: it’s, they’re, it’s gotta be a united friend.
I couldn’t agree more. You’re, you’re absolutely right. Let me, let me explain further in, in, in, in the idea of this guidepost through a metaphor, and I’ve done this as a therapy activity with the kids in the office. That is where we have fun, particularly with little kids in the office where I have the parents hold hands, right.
And that hold hands. And then we invite the kids to go ahead and break the grasp. And usually the first go around or whatever, you know, the kids are able to break the grasp because, you know, the parents feel awkward and weird. And so it’s easy to break their hands apart and that demonstrates like this is a problem.
But then we get a, a strong grasp and, and you can’t see me. On the audio version of this, but my one hand is grabbing the other wrist, the other hand is grabbing the other wrist. It is a much firmer grasp. And then we invite the kids to break the hold. Of course they can’t because [01:00:00] we need to have the stepparent arm and arm lock step Neil.
Couldn’t agree more. But while you’re holding hands, as you said, the parent is the, is a little bit of a step forward cuz there’s no hard and fast, black and white with any of this stuff. The norms get developed in your home and household, but you know, you can imagine if like the parent is silent and the stepparent is in front, you know, telling the kid what’s gonna go on.
It’s, it be, it gets real awkward and real weird, you know? It, it, it can’t until those norms are developed and, and you of course a stepparent can be independently operating cuz you’ve got a relationship for 10 years. Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: That’s basically what I was gonna say. Yeah. Is over time you would hope that that would norms get developed, that you, the custodial parent would eventually take that step back to where they’re even with.
with a stepparent. Well, yeah,
Chris Gazdik: and I even bulk a little bit, even at, even because I, you know, I have in both of my stepparent relationships, of course, [01:01:00] particularly with my stepdad, I was a little older, but no, my dad is my dad and my mom is my mom now. But we got a lot of circumstances, you know, where you, you, you don’t have a, a, a mother in the picture, you know?
And so there, there are this, a lot of this moves around. Again, I, I probably should have put a qualifier in the beginning. There are no hard and fast rules. , definitely not. There are guidelines and a whole shit ton of gray that goes into these boundary adjustments and issues. And, and that’s why it begins to be so, So dynamic.
Right? And,
Neil Robinson: and I think, I think honestly one of the keys to the whole relationship type of thing with that stepparent is there has to be patience. And you have to acquire trust. You can’t, I was gonna make your trust can’t, you can’t come in as a stepparent and expect not only your spouse to trust you with their kid immediately, but also the kid to trust you to take care of them.
Like there has to be this like, yeah, okay, you agreed to marry me, but I still don’t really [01:02:00] know, like this is still my baby, these are still my kids, right? That I have to protect. And so you have to, as a stepparent, you have to expect that there has to be a a time to not only establish new norms, but also build that trust.
So not only does the spouse, the original jparent. Trust you, but also that the kid starts feeling comfortable with you. And if the, if the original parent doesn’t feel comfortable with you, the kids are gonna feed off of that. So have you done your, your due diligence as a stepparent to prove yourself that, that you can help take care of this child?
Chris Gazdik: Exactly. You know, I’m gonna throw this other boundary one in cuz we need to taxi in for a landing, but because it just fits so much with this one. But look at these, listen to these words, right? Like, can the parent accept the advice of the stepparent or requirements of the stepparent? Which is an interesting switch on words, right?
Which one is this? Yeah. Am I [01:03:00] right? Am I offering you advice or thoughts about your kid? or am I offering you requirements of my household, says the stepparent and, and you might bulk at me using those words, but in a flowing and healthy arrangement, maybe you don’t have these words in your step parenting relationship, great.
Cuz we don’t really want them there. We want to, you know, a, a much different spirit. But I’m telling you, people feel this way. They, I see this in my therapy relationships. Mm-hmm. , and I’ve literally had stepparents saying they won’t give me any advice. They won’t, they won’t accept any of my thoughts, any of my advice, or you know what?
They’re not following my requirements of a household in the way that it’s run. This is crazy. I don’t understand why my spouse thinks this way. This is ridiculous.
Neil Robinson: I’m not, I’m not sure about you, but if I ever gave my spouse a requirement, that is the last thing she’s gonna do. But I know ,
Chris Gazdik: but I, [01:04:00] yeah, I’ve heard, have you heard this?
Victoria Pendergrass: Victoria? Not nec, not in my experience, not in that way so far, no. I mean, I’ve heard some stepparents say, you know, if it were me, I would do this, but I mean, or they say, if it were my kid, that has been something I’ve heard. Is it, if it were my kid and I’m like, if I was a custodial parent, I’d be like, well, you need to be looking at this as a, as almost as if it’s your child, because you’re basically there all day, every day
Chris Gazdik: anyways.
Parents say the words or not say the words. You’re either, you know, upset about giving or receiving advice, or giving or receiving requirements. and we don’t really want those things here. Mm-hmm. But that’s what ends up kind of playing out mm-hmm. . So yeah, we’re gonna do a part two with step parenting. I say we didn’t finish going through this list.
Yeah. We, there’s, because there’s a lot of cool things that, that people are really traversing and dealing with, with this, with this parent. So [01:05:00] y’all wanna hang out another hour or two and, and record part two tonight, or we going home? I’m joking. I’m joking. . We’ll do this next
Neil Robinson: week. . I’ve been up since three.
I wanna go home. Oh, you really? 10 months old.
Chris Gazdik: I gotta go home. Oh no. We are wore out. Listen, I’m gonna taxi us in here, guys by saying the, the celebration of being or having a stepparent in the kid’s life is gonna be accentuated a little bit more next week because that is a really important thing to understand.
As much as it is a difficult relationship, as much as it is a confusing and confounding relationship, it has a lot of dynamic moving parts to it. But it can be a beautiful and wonderful experience to kind of have so many people in that kid’s life that care about this, this kid. So we’re gonna be talking a lot more about that next week.
All you stepparents out there, hang with it. It can be tough, but I’m really appreciative. That you’re really caring for the kid that you call son or daughter, or by [01:06:00] name. It’s all good. It’s all okay. So we’ll see you guys next week. Stay tuned and stay well. Bye y’all.
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