After last week’s show where we discuss the boundary adjustments and changes that a stepparent brings to a relationship, this week the panel decides to focus on the celebration of step parents. They talk about the advantages that come with the addition to the family. They also talk about how important it is for not only the stepparent, but the biological parents to keep in mind what is best for the child and how their behavior affects them.
Tune in to see Part 2 of Step Parenting Through a Therapist’s Eyes.
Listen for the following takeaways from the show:
- Struggle for the stepparent is the immediate change in role. They do not have the chance to slowly adapt and grow with the anticipation and arrival of a new baby.
- How do you set the priorities with the new family structure?
- What are some the extended family factors?
- There is no hard rules for this new situation.
- How do you manage conflicts that stem from the separation of families?
- The stepparent needs to recognize that the biological parent is still the kid’s parent.
- What are some advantages to stepparents/blended families?
- What are some pitfalls of having stepparents?
- Green Garage has an article that goes over 16 advantages and disadvantages of a blended family.
- Do not make the child pick a side.
- You need to mindful and engage critical thinking when in bad situations because the child will pick up on this.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Intro Music by Reid Ferguson – https://reidtferguson.com/
@reidtferguson
https://www.facebook.com/reidtferguson
https://open.spotify.com/artist/3isWD3wykFcLXPUmBzpJxg
Episode #217 Transcription
Chris Gazdik: [00:00:00] Hello everybody and welcome to Through a Therapist’s Eyes, where we give you direct insights from a panel of therapist. And Victoria, I’m gonna cue you up for the disclaimer on that one so that I don’t forget and get that out early. Hit it, man.
Victoria Pendergrass: We do not pri provide any therapeutic services whatsoever.
This is
Chris Gazdik: not a delivery of therapy services. I, if you’re wondering why I did that, I’ve been forgetting that clause for like, I’m so
Victoria Pendergrass: proud of
Chris Gazdik: you for remembering this week. I don’t know why. This is a follow up. This is not episode two 16, though it has the same title because in the show last week, we had these questions and these thoughts and we started talking very quickly.
It began to realize for us that we were just not gonna cover all the things that we needed to cover, you know, with this particular topic. And we were talking off the mics a little bit ago, Neil’s like, why have we never covered this topic yet? Like, it’s unbelievable. I don’t know. But [00:01:00] we are going deep, deep dive on everything, all to do about step parenting.
So we’re gonna be covering the, some more boundary questions and we’re really gonna have a little bit more of a celebration today for stepparents because boy, it’s a tough job and I think a lot of times goes way underappreciated with all of the roles and the different things that you, you deal with. So what is a stepparent role?
We talked about last week, so tune into that prior show for that. But what are the life adjustments being made by? You know, the stepparent and the life adjustments needed to be made by the child. Those are questions I want you to ponder. In addition to the third one, how, how do we accept, you know, a stepparent being present really on the extended family’s behalf, particularly the divorced parent who’s still probably very involved in this child’s life.
These are things that we don’t tend to think about when we think about the world of blended family and step parenting. So this [00:02:00] is, what is today, February the ninth, 2023. We have the book still out, re Understanding emotions and Becoming your Best Self. Definitely subscribe. Cue you Neil, for the YouTube version of the live podcast.
How shall you expertly introduce this, my friend?
Neil: Don’t forget to subscribe, like, and comment on the shows. And if you are not subscribe, please do that now because we are switching Facebook Live to YouTube live and episode two 20. So you have, if you’re watching us on Facebook or anywhere else, go ahead and subscribe to our channel on YouTube and you’ll get notified when we go live at episode two 20.
Chris Gazdik: That was really well done. I gotta say, listen, it is a big, he didn’t have a script either. He didn’t have a script. Unlike me. It is a big help guys for the five star reviews on Apple iTunes, subscribing, even if you don’t listen to every show, telling your friends hitting share buttons on the social media platforms.
You’re a big part of helping us and I’m asking you to help us. To, to grow the show. [00:03:00] I’m also asking you to, if you’re interested, have checked out the book to engage in a review in the author business. That makes a really, really big difference. And as I’m building up to the second book, not publicly announced yet, only to you, the through a Therapist Eyes, followers on Marriage is gonna be coming up.
And that helps out a lot for that kind of really as well. Contact it through a therapist eyes.com. Listen, this is the human emotional experience, which we endeavor to figure out together. All right, so John, we missed you last week, man. How? And I missed you. How you feeling, man? I’m feeling a lot better.
Glad
John-Nelson Pope: back. I’m glad to be back. I’m glad to be six feet
Chris Gazdik: above the ground. Yeah. I tell you, it knocked you down a few pegs, didn’t it? It sure. It’s the flu.
John-Nelson Pope: The flu, yeah. I’ll never complain about the flu again. Or a cold or any. It was awful. .
Chris Gazdik: That is tough, man. And I’m sorry, I didn’t even know you were out. My head was just buried with [00:04:00] work.
It was like four or five days you came in and he’s like, did you know I had the flu? I’m like, nobody told me. I’ve been wondering where you are. . . Yeah. It’s funny how we, we just get busy, huh?
John-Nelson Pope: D d Well, DW probably wanted to stay away. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Stay away from the whole topic, I’m sure. Topic. Miss Victoria, Penta Grass is over there with us.
Pendergrass. Did I say it wrong? Yes. Yes.
Victoria Pendergrass: Pen. I know how to spell it. I know it’s a Du Pendergrass. How you doing this week? I’m good. I’m here. Been busy all yesterday. All my people showed up. Yeah, all nine of them. That’s a lot. Oh, . But I was telling you, I was like, I love it when everybody’s, it’s just a great feeling.
You have when and today. I mean, I had seven, six or seven show up. Mm-hmm. out of eight. So
Chris Gazdik: yeah, A couple of tough, tough sessions there with no shows
Victoria Pendergrass: or something. Yeah. But I mean, Mo all them are pretty much getting rescheduled. So I think it’s funny
Chris Gazdik: to see that through your eyes being newer and younger in the field and kind of what the, what’s some of the day-to-day is [00:05:00] like, I’m sure in the audience is kind of curious, really listening.
Like, you know, what is it like, again, our title through a therapist’s eyes, it’s, it’s so fun for me to see this through your experience.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, I mean, I’ve definitely changed like how I do my day to day. Like Yeah. Even though we have notes and stuff, and I mean, we can do a whole nother podcast on this, but you know, like, I mean, I get, I’m getting more like finding my footing.
I’ve kind of found a balance where I make sure that I write my notes before I go pick up my next person. Yeah. You get a flow, don’t you? And and whatnot. And so like you know, I’m kind of getting in that flow of things and, you know, little things like making sure I go to the bathroom before someone so I
Chris Gazdik: don’t have to excuse myself.
John-Nelson Pope: You too, . I have forgotten a couple
Chris Gazdik: of times. Oh, it’s not a good forget. No, no. You don’t wanna forget that.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah. But I mean, yeah, I mean it’s definitely interesting. I think now at this point, I actually, I mean I, I know I’ve heard other people in the past say as they go through, they kind of enjoy NoShow cuz [00:06:00] they get a chance to like catch up on work and stuff like that.
And it’s
Chris Gazdik: my, it’s, it’s a necessity in my world. But honestly, that
Victoria Pendergrass: doesn’t mean you No. Show me though. Just Right. Just saying. But honestly at this stage in my career, like I really hate NoShow. Yeah. Like, I mean, I really want my people to show up and, you know, so.
Chris Gazdik: Absolutely. Yeah. So let’s get back into really where we are.
I really wanna challenge us too, for this first segment to finish where we were like, the, the boundary adjustments that go on. There were just so many of them. We, we literally did a whole show, John, on, on boundary assessments. But let me kind of open it up to your view, just with the topic, right, like step parenting.
It’s a, it’s a hell of a thing, isn’t it? Right?
John-Nelson Pope: Well, it’s a daunting thing. I think it’s pr Well, I’m gonna say this. I thought it was pretty hard being a parent and I’m still dealing with my middle aged children, but I’m joking.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Well, we, we still look to you, John. But
John-Nelson Pope: parents step parenting is [00:07:00] one of the most daunting and challenging Callings that I think a person could have.
I think it’s a wonderful thing. I think it’s something that could be so rewarding, but if you think in terms of, of, of what you’re going to get out of it, and it’s primarily about, well, I’m just gonna get all these good things. I think sometimes you might be missing the point, point. You get a
Chris Gazdik: little surprised, don’t you?
John-Nelson Pope: The point is the family, the point are the children and to, to put them in. In other words that they know that they’re loved and they’re cherished. And I think sometimes children, May not feel that way.
Chris Gazdik: You know, John, one of the things we talked about last week was the, the very real emotional reality that y you don’t have as a stepparent in the relationship that’s so specific with this child.
Victoria’s got a 10 month old. 10 month old plus now, right? Yeah. He’s still counting the weeks. I hope not. That’s, that’s so nauseating to me. [00:08:00] But the, just because I can’t keep track of the weeks, you know? Yeah. But like, you know, the first year or two or three or even four, you’re like, oh, this kid, I’m watching him develop and I have a relationship and I’m a holy cow, by the way.
I am a parent, you know? Well, when you’re a stepparent, it’s all boom right now.
John-Nelson Pope: Exactly. And in, you know, whether you’re doing a courtship or something like that, you’re in a relationship before you let’s say, Develop move in or you’re developing a a marriage that’s relatively short time compared to the fact that if you’ve got no time at all.
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, yeah. When you think about it, like, okay, I had what, nine, 10 months to prepare for being a parent. Yeah, right. While I was, when I was pregnant. And so same with my husband, he had. That.
Chris Gazdik: Ah, big
Anyway, fail on the host’s part. I just tried to turn on [00:09:00] the live so I can monitor it. I apologize for listening audience for now. That
Victoria Pendergrass: was weird here in my voice says like an echo. That was terrible. Echo. Echo. But you know, just how I had time. My husband also had time to prepare to be a parent. So Yeah, like what Chris is saying is when you’re a stepparent, it’s like snap, you’re just,
John-Nelson Pope: we’re we’re adoptive.
Joy and I are adoptive parents and we had a year to prepare for Katie coming
Chris Gazdik: into our home. I did, did not know that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So, oh, yeah. At what age did you
John-Nelson Pope: adopt? She was newborn. She was actually Okay. She was 18 weeks.
Chris Gazdik: Okay. So that’s it. I did not know that. But
Victoria Pendergrass: so, I mean, you had a year, you knew it was coming.
We
John-Nelson Pope: had a year, we had to go through the court system in the Philippines, for example, and, Right.
Chris Gazdik: We had to Well, but that’s part of the dating process. I mean, you’re dating of course, Uhhuh
Victoria Pendergrass: recording. Yeah. But No, but, but I mean, but when you’re, you, if the goal is, and you eventually become a stepparent at some point, you meet the, I mean, you don’t wait nine months to meet a kid [00:10:00] usually.
So, I mean, so you are literally like, I mean, yeah, the time is short. Okay. Yeah. Like you, well, you don’t really have time. I mean, you have ti like the time is just shorter from. You tell someone, oh, I have kids. Okay, well then they can kind of prepare for meeting them and stuff, but that time in between is not a lot.
You telling them that you have kids and then meeting the kid and then
Chris Gazdik: it’s not nine months. Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: usually. Or a year or,
John-Nelson Pope: well, sometimes in terms of stepparents, they don’t even get a chance to, to meet the meet the kids until they’re quite into the relationship with the partner or the spouse. It’s sometimes months
Chris Gazdik: at least.
Yeah, at least because you don’t wanna introduce, you know, the kids to somebody that you might not be dating in six months. Well, and even
Victoria Pendergrass: then, which is a good choice. Yeah. Even then, once you introduce them, If you, if they’re, if that person is just the boyfriend or the girlfriend, they’re not necessarily being a parent to the [00:11:00] kids until there is some sort of like unity, like marriage or moving in together mm-hmm.
Right. Or something like that.
Chris Gazdik: Right. It’s true. Yeah. Okay. Listen, I really want to challenge us because today we wanna be more of a celebration a little bit more. Yeah. What are the advantages to a blended family and, and some of the pitfalls to be careful about extra grandparents? Well, you jump, you’re jumping ahead there, but I really wanna continue going through some of the adjustments though that we had not, Hey, even had a chance to get to last, like, I’m just telling us for our consciousness.
Okay. Let’s try to be a little bit brief. Mm-hmm. , but I don’t want to shirk these because I think these are really, I just brainstormed all these little questions that people really have. So the, the one we didn’t get to talk about is, How, how, how do we set the priorities in our family life? And I’ve dealt with this in a lot of ways, in, in relationships of, you know, God first, mm-hmm.
right? If, if religion’s in your life mm-hmm. , if not, [00:12:00] that’s fine. God’s at the top of the list. If not, then self is right. And then you have your spouse, so God, self, spouse, kids, family friends, and then work. And these things move around every day to day. But that is old tried and true, I think pretty solidly.
Entrenched in acceptable priority levels. And, and I
John-Nelson Pope: would, I would like to add that you said, what if you don’t have God or something like that, you have to have a, a common set of values and ethics, and I think that might be something greater than yourself.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well that’s interesting. I’d never thought about it that way.
Yeah.
John-Nelson Pope: Because if it’s just self
Chris Gazdik: at the top of the list, at the top of the list, you’re gonna be, it’s dangerous. Dangerous, I think , that’s, I will, I love that. I I will take that with me. That is a, a new nugget from the pope. Well done. Thank you, . But you think about the boundary sets and the priority lists.
[00:13:00] I, I tell you that is a major issue. Boy, we’re really gonna try to have to be brief with these guys because we could go on and on with these things cuz they’re so dynamic stepparents, are they or are they not the priority for their new spouse? Or are the prior kids to that relationship the priority?
Victoria Pendergrass: Mm.
So like what kind of order is it gonna go in? tricky?
Chris Gazdik: Right.
John-Nelson Pope: And I think I’ve encountered my some of my clients that have that issue and they’re, that’s
Chris Gazdik: struggle almost. I think this is an issue almost universally in blended families. I think I would make that bold statement. I agree of like
Victoria Pendergrass: questioning what order
Chris Gazdik: the primary biological parent prioritizes the kids above their new marriage or relationship.
and, and, and how do we balance that reality? Because pretty tried and true God’s self spouse mm-hmm. kids are underneath that. [00:14:00] And that is a major challenge. And this isn’t a gender thing. I think this is a thing for men just as much as women by the way. Definitely. So that you, you, you, you, you realize that,
Victoria Pendergrass: so are you, are you saying that things can’t be equal?
Like it can’t be yourself, your kids and the co and the stepparent on the same level?
Chris Gazdik: Pretty tried and true. There’s not any equality there. I mean, you know, sometimes my friends are the most priority. Well, they’re way down on the list because they really need to be there as dad just died. Okay. So, mm-hmm.
So this fluctuates, you know, day to day if you wanna get into that goal setting and priority setting in, in life. But, but bottom line, God’s self, spouse, kids, family, extended family friends, and work in that order generally is a pretty safe
Victoria Pendergrass: priority list. So then the, the stepparent would be in the family category?
No.
Chris Gazdik: So our, your stepparent is your spouse. They are third in priority above the kids, which freaks people out. . Right. [00:15:00]
John-Nelson Pope: And that’s where my experience over all these years is where the crux of the matter is, is that there’s that sometimes not negotiable with
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. It isn’t the biological parents like, yo, you gotta understand this is it?
Mm-hmm. , that’s my kids. Mm-hmm. , they are number one. Mm-hmm. number one. So just be thoughtful about that. We need to move on cuz we have a lot to cover. Yeah. But that, that is a really big sticking issue. Stepparents need to recognize that the spouse is a package deal, kind of goes along with, you know, this priority set.
You know, you’re not just marry. , this person, you are marrying this person and very much their kids, that there are it, it is part of your now family and that takes some reconciliation. You know what I do
John-Nelson Pope: for weddings and it’s a blended family. Okay. That’s interesting. Include, I as a, as a pastor. As a pastor, I include the children into the wedding [00:16:00] itself.
In terms of taking vowels, they take vows
Chris Gazdik: as well. Yeah, I’ve seen that before. That’s, that’s awesome. I thought it was cause I was really cool at it, but Yeah, no, they that well boy. Yeah. Do you include the kids in the wedding? Do you, how, how are the kids taking apart, taking Well, that ownership well also gives ‘
John-Nelson Pope: em an idea of I’m a part where they belong in the family.
Yeah. I’m
Chris Gazdik: a part of this. This is And they are this, they are in the marriage. They are in the marriages. Family relationships. Yeah. It’s, it’s a big, it blends in. Thus the name blended family. All right. How are the finances managed? God, there’s so many sticky issues. Mm, yeah. Well, these are your kids. Why am my money going to your kids battle after battle child support?
Do we get it? Do we pay it? You know, how does this operate? I mean, this, this, this poor person who may not even have ever had kids before, is now thrust into a brand new world of how expensive kids are. It’s so expensive, you know, so expensive. And, and [00:17:00] that’s a shock to your, your system. Even if you have your own kids, you’re adding all of this to now your life.
And if you’re the primary breadwinner, even, like how does that, right? You see the, the tricky balances that, that we get here. But let’s move on. For some, you know, this is an instant family. You know, again, the head rush physical touch. You know, and, and differences that you have in parenting tendencies, right?
Corporal punishment, I’ve had this as an issue. Well, you just need to spank your kids. Why ain’t we doing that? Says the new parent, brand new parent who might be a little bit. Unrealistic in the way that you parent and the challenges that you have and all the things going on, and, you know, so
John-Nelson Pope: are you suggesting that the new parent needs to have some sort of self-awareness of, of what his or her projection?
Geez, .
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. In a word. I would say so, yes. . Yeah. I think the [00:18:00] listening audience needs a lot more explanation in that. John, go ahead, .
John-Nelson Pope: Well, no, it’s just that they have to make that decision before the, as a, as a couple about what are the parenting styles? What, what about is your view about corporal punishment what does the spouse feel about that and think about that?
I think my, my sense of it is, is that it’s better not to think about corporal punishment in terms of having that as part of a routine. It’s instead used other means of discipline. I’m
Chris Gazdik: dating, I’ve never had a kid. I’m not thinking about what parenting strategies we may or may not have in common or indifference and I, it’s not even on my radar screen.
It needs to be, I am aware of it. I know we have kids. I’ll be a great dad. I’ll be a great mom. You know bba B No, wait a minute, right? Yes. Say that again? You,
John-Nelson Pope: they need to, they need to be aware of that. I think that’s one of the things that, I actually have a couple coming in for premarital counseling. Oh, I’m
Chris Gazdik: so [00:19:00] jealous.
John-Nelson Pope: We talk about that. Yeah. And I mean that’s, I think that’s so important. How are you go? What is your parenting style? Yes. What, or do you even have one? Have you even thought about it? Yeah. So
Chris Gazdik: let’s get a little weirder. Yeah, it does. I’ve actually had. This may sound silly to some of you that have parents or have been parents for a long time or are dealing, but you, do you think particularly as those transition years are going on with these adjustments, right.
You’ve got touching boundaries. I, I’ve had parents, new parents ask me like, stepparents, should I put my bathing suit on when we’re bathing? , you know? Mm-hmm. , it’s like they, they don’t know. Right. I’m a, I’m a dude man, and this little girl is, I’m bathing her in. What is that? How do I deal with that? You know?
And then normal sexual development, you know, with towels and all this kind of stuff. Mm-hmm. , you know, you, you progress through baby as toddler and nobody cares about that. And it’s not a big thing. I was gonna say . Yeah, man, Victoria, it is not on your radar screen, but [00:20:00] when, you know, what is it? But I think
Victoria Pendergrass: if maybe I was the, if I was in, like, if I had a, a.
Partner, I might, I then I would then have to rethink like, how does this work? Like how does this work? What, you know, you
Chris Gazdik: know, you begin getting at what, 5, 6, 7 years old? Hey mommy, why don’t you have this body part? Or what is, yeah, why do I not have the, that’s when the towels come out. Mm-hmm. . But you know what, you have four years of adjustment.
Yeah. In, in touch, in development, in sexual development, in discipline, all these things. Right? So we’ll get out of talking about these boundary adjustments. No, because it, they are so sticky and complicated. But I, I hope that one of the things we’ve done with this is begin triggering your thoughts. If you’re, when you’re looking into this, say that you can be as best prepared as possible because boy, it’s, it’s difficult to be prepared for these major life changes, isn’t it?
Mm-hmm. . Oh yeah. Okay. So extended family factors. Let’s do a good segment on extended family factors and [00:21:00] how these relationships operate. You know, with extended family now. How, how do you, how do you handle this with, how is this gonna work? What are we gonna do? I have another Victoria Golden rule that over the many years, yeah.
It has really helped me kind of mitigate the, the, the challenges in how the norms are gonna be developed and what are the rules. Okay. In a blended family, there really are no real hard and fast rules, best practices. Mm-hmm. or healthiest things to do there. There really aren’t because there’s so much variance.
This can be anywhere in between. , me and my ex-spouse and current spouse get together with her husband. All four of us adults and the kids, we all get together. We have Sunday meals together as a routine. We take trips together. It’s, it’s okay. It’s wide open. Mm-hmm. all the way to the other side of the continuum.
I don’t speak, discuss or anything outside of the legal confines of our, unfortunately,
John-Nelson Pope: I have many [00:22:00] more
Chris Gazdik: on the, the latter ladder side, latter side than the former. Sure. But I, I say this though, over the years, John, because I have had more than one, I’ve had several instances where they have developed trust, they have developed fluidity, they have developed the ability to co-parent together very openly.
And it’s, and it’s honestly, guys, it’s wonderful when you can get to that space.
Victoria Pendergrass: I was gonna say, and I look at the kids, it’s wonder, it’s good, it’s great for the kids whenever the parents can get in
Chris Gazdik: that. However, I don’t wanna speak out of both sides of my mouth when I say this. Right. It is also though very appropriate to limit conversations, discussions to the legal custodial agreements and norms of the legal system that were developed on paper.
When you have conflicts in fighting and all of that, that’s ideal in your situation. So if we can get to a free flowing kind of thing, great. If not, that’s still [00:23:00] really okay. It’s, it’s there, there, there are really, are no hard and fast rules here. Do, do, do you see that, John? I’m curious if over your many years of experience do, can you bond with that?
John-Nelson Pope: I do,
Chris Gazdik: I do. I I think you’ve got some quizzical skeptical puzzlement.
John-Nelson Pope: No, you, you know, the thing is, is that sometimes you are as a counselor, as a therapist, you, I believe in my clients, but sometimes they’re matured. They’re not emotionally mature. And, and so there’s the, the problems that, that they’re having in their marriage.
For example, they may not learn from what caused their marriage to, to go kaput right in the first place. And sometimes you’ve got to. Help them be able to, to make more mature decisions. You don’t, you don’t tell ’em what to do or anything of that sort, but you encourage them
Chris Gazdik: grow. I have done to divorce [00:24:00] counseling before.
Uhhuh. . Yeah. I have done counseling with couples that are separating mm-hmm. . I have done counseling with people that are separating and reconciled. I’ve done counseling with people that have divorced and then reconciled. Yeah. I mean, there’s, there’s such a done great variance here. Yeah. You know, and that, that I, it’s all, it’s it’s
John-Nelson Pope: artwork.
It, it’s like doing a Yeah. It’s like having a great canvas and pallet mm-hmm. and
Chris Gazdik: at least we be locked in too. And the reason why I’ve really used this over the many years, this is the way it goes. Mm-hmm. , no, it, it really, it’s fluid. It’s fluid. It’s what you create together in your divorcing years and in your remarri, remarrying.
John-Nelson Pope: and I, that’s why I think sometimes therapy besides not just for the mental health aspects of it, let’s say a serious mental illness or anything of that sort, it’s that dealing with grief and trauma and to be able to, to, [00:25:00] to grow with that. Because if you’re, let’s say you have a traumatic divorce and, and process, you may be carrying those scars into your next relationship.
Of course, you probably are. Yeah. And so you have to learn how to process that and grow and get challenged.
Chris Gazdik: May we cannot talk about extended families and new relationships in this without conflict though. And John, I think that’s where you landed, right? Yeah. It’s kinda like icy. Unfortunately, so much. On the other side, Victoria, you said it was even school meetings and you know, people that have their stepparents come in and you’re only working with one or the other.
And all these, you know, they’re surprised and they’re discussed like, why was I not told of this meeting? Right. You know, the, the, the other biological parent says there’s, there’s a lot that goes on that creates conflict. How do we deal with this conflict state that almost unfortunately seems natural therapy ,
Victoria Pendergrass: I’m
Chris Gazdik: just kidding.
says the
Victoria Pendergrass: therapist. Yeah. I mean, [00:26:00] I mean, it’s nice if people have conflict resolution skills, , and they can, you know, work things out in a civil manner, I guess. But then I guess how do you app, do you approach
Chris Gazdik: it that actually happens? what? I think so people are civil. Yeah. It, it’s, you know, if you’re sitting there expecting, oh God, this is gonna be so ugly.
This is gonna be so nasty. This is gonna be the most horrible thing. Well, it is sometimes, but sometimes it’s really not. We just knock down a big. Thing of my office toys. We are disruptive this session. What is wrong with us? . I’m not moving
John-Nelson Pope: my head anywhere. , I’m just looking straight.
Chris Gazdik: You right over there, Victoria.
Yeah. Yeah,
Victoria Pendergrass: I’m good. Okay. all I want. What? Some water.
John-Nelson Pope: Chris, I’m wondering too if, if sometimes that obviously, and this is an obvious statement, that that a lot of times when people are so [00:27:00] enmeshed into the turmoil and the struggle and the anger that’s in a relationships and broken relationships that they’ll hold on.
And so they’ll try to control this new relationship, this new family that’s being made, let’s say in control’s, a keyword word. Yeah. It’s manipulation and control. And so out of fear, out of fear. And it is fear-based.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah.
John-Nelson Pope: And, and so who gets hurt
Chris Gazdik: in that? Ultimately, Victoria, you wanna make a guess? The kids.
John-Nelson Pope: The kids. Yeah. Yeah. And, and so it’s not about, it’s not about the kids who gets hurt the most, who gets hurts the most. Yeah. Yeah. It’s the kids that get hurt the most. Yeah. And the, the individuals rightfully, perhaps, are the, the adults are hurt. Yeah. But who are they thinking of ultimately? Are they [00:28:00] thinking about the
Chris Gazdik: kids?
Yeah. They’re embroiled in their own conflict state in, in, in, mm-hmm. and, and structured non-structured feelings and all that. Yeah. John, it’s, it’s an adequate point. You know, as, as I was listening to you, my mind literally just went onto a little bit of a journey of when I was a kid. And some of the most vivid memories I have are some of the most destructive moments that my divorcing parents had.
Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . I mean, I could, I could pull them up and. , you know, I was, I was actually pulling two of them up, like, oh my God, like, get outta my head. Because it, it is, it’s it. Those are searing moments that, that kids remember. I mean, I was
Victoria Pendergrass: literally just talking with a client, a patient earlier today about how much, how parents are such leaders and kids fall.
See that example and how, you know, kids notice a lot more than parents sometimes remember or pick up that they notice mm-hmm. and so, you know. Yeah. When all that conflict is going on, and especially when you’re doing it where the kids are exposed to it, [00:29:00] then
Chris Gazdik: can be trouble. Listen, I wanna make a hard statement here that might fly in the face of some people that are listening or finding yourself in this situation or had been in this situ.
you need to recognize and realize that your divorcing spouse or partner is all caps, right? I gotta say still the kid’s parent. And that needs to be honored and respected, period. Because that’s what the kid needs. If it’s possible. Now, as long as the kid is not being, I know that there’s safety issues, right?
Abuse and neglect and things like that. Don’t be afraid of the Department of Social Services, or some states they call it CPS and other countries around the world. I’m sure you have agencies that protect children from abuse and neglect kind of realities. So that’s okay. Be careful of not misusing those services.
By the way, I’ve heard that kind of craziness go on too. Agencies being called. Mm-hmm. completely [00:30:00] unnecessarily. Don’t do that. But you need to recognize that out of anger. Yeah. Out hurt. Yeah. And what, so I, I, I know I’m speaking a little strong language, but I, it’s for a reason because we see the kids. John, to your point, we see the kids.
Mm-hmm. and the pain that they carry when this nonsense, and I do mean nonsense is going, is going on. I should calm down. Right. , take a deep breath, Chris. Take a deep breath.
John-Nelson Pope: See if, if something else can spill,
Chris Gazdik: you know? Yeah. . I know. Neil, that’s your turn. . You got something? Neil? Okay, so that’s y y y’all, I’m, I’m speaking to the choir.
I know, but you know, listening to this is, is, is really important. So, but let’s follow that up with really understanding, you know, with these factors of the other pair, respect and compassion. You know, I would also probably add grace and forgiveness. Mm-hmm. to yourself and offering to the other person.
Let’s have some grace and some forgiveness, some respect. I agree. And some compassion. During what may be one of the most difficult [00:31:00] times in your life when you’re going through?
Victoria Pendergrass: Well, I mean the whole treat others how you wanna be treated. If you want to be treated with respect and compassion from your partner, from your, from the other parent, like,
It’s a two-way street here. You know? Golden rule.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. It’s so simple. Yeah. difficult sometimes in real times to extend. Yeah, I think I’m gonna skip that part. Let’s get to some of the, some of the cool stuff, man. So these are really tricky, sticky stuff, but again, the stepparent being in such a tough role needs to be celebrated.
Mm-hmm. , I, I think I’m gonna retell John my story for your benefit, so you know where I’m coming from. . I, I shared last week how it was really funny. My dad had a moment with me when I was a young teen. I might have been even my freshman year in college, but I don’t think I was that old. I was definitely an older teen when my dad got remarried and had a stepmom.
And I, I, I just did not think I didn’t, I was young and dumb and unaware of [00:32:00] what the deal was with as a kid. And, you know, I didn’t really have a developed relationship with my stepmom. Like I said, that I was finishing out my living at home years, you know, with my mom. And my mom and dad divorced, getting ready to go to college.
So he looked at me . I felt so stupid, John, but he looked at me one day and he didn’t say much, but he really helped me. But all he said was, you know, Chris they do have in the store, you know, these things that are stepparent cards. Mm-hmm. . You used to see John’s face on the live, right? Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was a, it was a lightning moment for me.
I didn’t know, I didn’t think of it, you know, so kids out there realize, you know, that there are stepparent, mother’s, day cards, stepparent, birthday cards, all this kind of stuff like that you buy in honor for your stepparent. For particularly younger kids, they don’t realize that they’re, they’re not dialed into that.
John-Nelson Pope: [00:33:00] You’re not my dad, you’re not my mom.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. Yeah. Well, cuz a lot of kids take things literally, like particularly teenagers, right? Yeah. And so when you think of like Mother’s Day, Well, my stepmom mom, my stepmom is not actually my mom, so therefore like it, like I can So they’re They’re concrete thinking.
Yeah, they’re concrete, literal thinkers. And so like, I’m gonna buy a card for my dad on father’s Santa card for my mom on Mother’s Day. There’s no stepparent day. Yeah. So if there was a stepparent day, then I’d buy far from my sub parents
Chris Gazdik: stepparent day. That. How is that not the case? I don’t know. It’s
John-Nelson Pope: an interesting notion.
Mean there’s grandparents’ day never thought of that should be a st a stepparent day.
Chris Gazdik: I never thought of that. Yeah. But you know, it, it occurs to me the other side of it Victoria, as you’re saying that there, you know, from the stepparent perspective, you’re right. It’s, you, you, you gotta be really careful if you’re a stepparent.
Take that personally, right? Like, yeah. I mean, it’s like these kids are concrete thinkers, black and white. They’ve not really got abstract thinking, [00:34:00] you know, really intact and ready and used to being used even when you’re 21, 22. You know, it’s like they’re just not dialed in sometimes to that reality. Like the stepparents gotten married probably before for the second marriage now.
Mm-hmm. . And you have mother-in-laws that you buy cards for, but the kid, the kid hadn’t learned that yet. And you might be very offended, but relax, they’re learning,
Victoria Pendergrass: right? Well, I mean, it’s just like a, a little kid may not wish their grandmother Happy Mother’s Day or get a card for their grandmother on Mother’s Day because in their brain, well that’s their grandmother, not their actual mom.
And you
Chris Gazdik: know. Yeah. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know there were cards. . Yeah. Did you buy cards? That’s exaggeration guys. I was, I was sensitive child. No, I bet you were . I bet you were sensitive. I was. I was. I was attentive. More times than not, I’d like to think. I’m sure my family’s revolting in getting ready to [00:35:00] email me now in a minute.
Or text me. The divorce advantage, I mean, you nailed it. I think if we look at some of the advantages, John, you set it off the get go. I think it’s the top of the show. What did you say? More grandparents. You know, woo. You get more grandparents, more parents, more things going on. And it’s funny, you should see our lives, like we all have smiles on our.
On our face. Right. It, it’s, it’s a, it’s a unique and special big fat bonus for the kids. E even in
John-Nelson Pope: with some of the clients that have, let’s say, troubling issues in their blended families, they speak very positively of the grandparents and the step grandparents. Yep. And they, there’s that sense that there’s a, an ability to, to no judgment zone with grandparents.
I think so. I think, I think kids will feel more appreciated [00:36:00]
Chris Gazdik: in mm-hmm. , you know, how challenging it is. to become a parent. Right. Victoria, you’re very new into it. It’s so many things to learn, so many things to think about. So many things that you’re experimenting with and it’s kind of like, you know, wow.
And then when you have this person come into this situation with new and fresh eyes to the scenario, if you can listen to that and, and, and tack into that man, you have more heads better than one. Mm-hmm. to, to help figure things out, man. Like, cuz there’s so much to figure out. That’s a huge, a
Victoria Pendergrass: huge, I think of like bonus.
Like, there’s more babysitters. . It’s more babysitters. Okay. If one set of grandparents is out of town or one set of grandparents is sick, or, you know, we’re down to like, I mean, that’s where my mind goes . And that just might be because of the stir current state of a parenthood.
Chris Gazdik: But I, I was gonna say that, that, that, that seems [00:37:00] like a little raw for you, Victoria
Yeah.
Victoria Pendergrass: Not that I don’t have plenty of people to help take care and watch my child .
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. Yeah. But it, but experience
Victoria Pendergrass: is always wanted .
John-Nelson Pope: It’s real. My kids joy and our, our kids, we had both sets of grandparents and it was, we could go off and, and spend some time. We knew that the kids would have a stimulation, that they would have a, a good environment and it would
Chris Gazdik: be good.
Yeah. So, so that’s a little bit of a taste. Let’s get back to that when we get back to our show. Let’s take a quick break for our show sponsor that we’ve been highlighting recently. So better help.com. We are a therapy show. Better Help is an awesome service that when we talk about these things today, it might be step parenting.
We got your brains moving around. You’re probably like, holy crap, I need a therapist. Where can they go, Victoria? They can go to
Victoria Pendergrass: Better help. [00:38:00] They can go to our, actually, they could specifically can go to our website and click on the counseling. Yeah. You wanna
Chris Gazdik: give us the technical aspects of that?
Where can they go, Victoria?
Victoria Pendergrass: They can go to our website through a therapist’s eyes and click on the counseling tab. I think it’s on the homepage. They get
Chris Gazdik: 10% bonus. Yeah. They
Victoria Pendergrass: get you fill out. Oh my goodness. Yeah. You fill out a
Chris Gazdik: survey. Neil, what’s the experts? What’s the experts say?
Neil: Therapy in your home without leaving your couch.
Yeah. You’re the expert on how to access this. Yeah. Go to through therapist studies.com. Up in the navigation bar, there’s counseling and you click on the start survey and yeah, you’ll, they’ll take you through a in-depth questionnaire to fig match you with your therapist. And yeah, as they’ve stated, you do get a 10% discount, I believe, once you sign up.
So how valuable is this, Mr. Pope? It is
John-Nelson Pope: absolutely. . Is that what you want, ? Yeah. I mean, I mean it’s wonderful. I, I think there’s, every therapist is well trained. They have over a [00:39:00] thousand hours in terms of, of, of, so they’re screened. The therapists are duly licensed.
Chris Gazdik: And I feel like you’re our resident expert on the specifics of how you become a therapist in the aspects of what they go through to do.
Cuz that’s awesome. New information. Yeah,
John-Nelson Pope: so I mean, they’re, they’re, they’re thoroughly vetted. And if you don’t like a therapist, let’s say it’s not a good match, then you are free to, to get another therapist, a different one. A different
Chris Gazdik: one. Transfer. You know, listen, we’re a therapy show. There’s so many things going out there that people are struggling with, hurting with, dealing with.
Trying to figure out together. So use the tabs, use the ther, reach out. It is, it is, it is possibly life changing for you. We as therapists know the relationship that you get in therapy. So obviously we’re advocates for that.
John-Nelson Pope: Every therapist has at least a master’s
Chris Gazdik: degree. Yeah. Is that that? I would imagine that.
So that’s, yeah.
John-Nelson Pope: And a lot of them have degrees beyond that. Beyond that. Beyond that, yeah. And [00:40:00] certifications and different types of counseling.
Chris Gazdik: So check it out. Therapist helper, or true? My god, I just blew it up. That’s Hamburger helper. Hamburger helper. My brain’s hamburger today. Check it out and get yourself some help.
Let’s get back to the show. Thank you. So, okay. Finances are shared or are they, we touched about that a little bit. You know, one of the advantages of bringing in, you know, a stepparent and beginning to stabilize your life post divorce. Yeah. Victoria’s got the, the non-verbal setup there for the Facebook life.
People cash money, man, it makes a big difference, doesn’t it? Well,
Victoria Pendergrass: yeah, cuz if you are a parent, right? You’re the parent who’s remarrying, well you’re the other parent is hopefully still providing some sort of income for the child, right? Whether that be through child support, whether that be through whatever.
Right? Well then now that, now my new spouse now is adding, like, that’s [00:41:00] just, and it may not be a ton extra, but I mean, when you have kids and, you know, things can be tight and Well, I
John-Nelson Pope: mean, if you’re like a, a, a single a, a single parent,
Chris Gazdik: basically, can we call that one of the most toughest jobs in the world?
Absolutely. In the toughest for sure.
John-Nelson Pope: In the world. And part of that is, is certainly a major part of that is the finances. Mm-hmm. . The idea is, is that if you’ve got two a couple together, the, it’s going to be less expensive overall financially, even if, if there’s child support being paid. There’s, there’s a sense that there is sort of a, a multiplication of, of the amount of financial resources.
Chris Gazdik: Look, people don’t like talking about money. Because there’s so much emotions to go such a taboo topic. So sometimes did. Yeah. But that’s, but that’s real, and that’s a huge part of this. Now, obviously not think any, any of us are gonna suggest, Hey, go get hitch up so that you can get some bucks in your pocket and take care of [00:42:00] your kid and No.
Yeah, no, don’t do that. You know, that’s, that’s goofy. But this is absolutely a real component that, you know, a stepparent can bring. I mean, you know, it really, if they’re not working, they can help with the childcare and, and, and be even just available, like you were saying, you know, the taxi service. Well, you would’ve to,
Victoria Pendergrass: I think, well, I think you’re, you’re gonna be hard pressed to find a step, a stepparent who doesn’t want to financially involve themselves with the kids.
Yeah. Of course. Right. You know, and so I think there’s no, there should be no issue. With sharing your finances. I mean, if you wanna do your own thing, like have your own little petty accounts that you know, you use to like, for your own stuff. But I mean, I think, you know, just like with any marriage, I mean, you’re gonna share the bills, you’re gonna share other expenses around the house.
If something gets broken, like it’s not like, oh, you gotta pay for that, or I pay for it with, it’s interesting
Chris Gazdik: joint. You bring it up that way, Victoria. I think you’ll see sometimes with people, I see your head going, I
Victoria Pendergrass: was gonna say, I might, I may not have [00:43:00] enough experience to
Chris Gazdik: know what it, it really does look like.
Look, this is my money. This is your money. We’ve been down this rodeo ago before, I literally just very recently in my life, went through the most horrible, horrific reality financially with the divorce and whatnot. So that’s all fine and dandy. I have no problem with that. Right? Having your own money and your own checking account and your own resources.
But the reality of it is the stepparent wants to develop an interesting and fun relationship with this kids. They take ’em out for pizza. , you know, they take ’em out for bowling or fun activities. They do spend their resources, their resources are a part of them, and that makes the family function better.
Does that make sense? John? Did I It does make sense. Yeah, it does. What was your head? Well, the reason
John-Nelson Pope: why I was twitching a little bit is that sometimes that, that the couple will if they have a, I think that would be a warning FLA flag if you haven’t discussed this before you’ve gotten married. Yeah.
It probably [00:44:00] has. Is that if that person says, well, this is mine and this will be yours. Yeah. When in fact you’re in this family red flag. Red flag, , it’s, it’s shared. The interesting thing is, is that there were some couples that I’ve counseled and let’s say where the, the, the woman made more than the man.
Mm-hmm. , it was our money. . But in when the man started making more money than the woman, he started saying it was my
Chris Gazdik: money. Oh, really?
John-Nelson Pope: goodness. Yeah. Right. And so even that, you, you don’t know that going into the marriage necessarily. Yeah. And so that could be the downside, but the idea is we’re all gonna be primed for growth, aren’t we?
Primed for growth? Yeah. We’re all gonna want to
Chris Gazdik: share, listen around the world. I think a lot of people know what the Super Bowl is. Do you know, do you know what makes the Super Bowl so amazing? I’ve thought about this from an emotional, the chiefs [00:45:00] standpoint. No, John, stop it. Mahomes. No, stop it. There’s no single players.
There’s no single games. There’s no particular year. What makes the Super Bowl, in my opinion, from my view, through a therapist’s ieyes, if you will, is the shared experience. Experience, right? Definitely it is. It is a. Extravaganza where we’re all dialed into a similar or same thing at the same time around the world.
John-Nelson Pope: You know, when I was in lived overseas for a few years. Yeah. I was in Scotland. I stayed up till like four in the morning to watch the Super Bowl. Yeah. Oh, really? Right. And I was on British tv. I believe it. Yeah. When I was in the Philippines. Yeah. We’ll watch the Super Bowl. We all did. See.
Chris Gazdik: Really?
Victoria Pendergrass: Wow.
That’s so cool. Yeah.
Chris Gazdik: Yeah. It’s, it’s a thing. And, and my point to that is to bring it back to step parenting. Isn’t there an increase exponentially of the amount of people celebrating a particular event that [00:46:00] exudes happiness? Like it, it can explode in happiness. Mm-hmm. , I’m saying people involved in step parenting add to the numbers that are celebrating an A on the report card.
Mm-hmm. . It makes it more energized, more positive, more happy. You’re
John-Nelson Pope: a kid. More money.
Chris Gazdik: More money .
Victoria Pendergrass: Right? That’s, I mean, yeah. But not only are you getting a high five from your mom and dad, but you’re also getting a high five from your stepmom and dad and from your, maybe her, her parents, your ha step-siblings and like siblings.
You, you know,
Chris Gazdik: like all that stuff. There’s a group here, there’s a community. Wow. And that, that really can be, but you know, I don’t think that people think that way when they’re thinking stepparents and, you know, siblings and all this kind of like a horror show that you imagine, no, this is like, this is a lot of happiness involved here for birthdays and Oh yeah.
You know, graduations, high school graduations with, you know, these people involved. You have more people that care. Yeah. , [00:47:00] which leads to the next kind of thought in my mind, is, is that you, you just do have more caring adults involved in your life. How valuable is that? Okay. Oh, let’s think for a second from a different angle that I wanna quote our dear friend Casey from, she was on the show before here recently in the panel, she said, not quote unquote, but Casey talked about John, when we were talking about mass shootings.
Uhhuh, , and I, I’m sure you’ve heard this before, Victoria, you’ll remember in hindsight when you look at folks that have done mass shootings. Yeah. How powerful is this that they have been able to kind of highly correlate the fact that they have not had one caring adult in their life? . Yeah. I mean, it
Victoria Pendergrass: makes sense and
John-Nelson Pope: I mean there’s, there’s empirical studies that there are well
Chris Gazdik: studied on that.
Go a little further with that.
John-Nelson Pope: Well, the, the [00:48:00] thing is, is that they don’t develop bonds of attachment and Right. So they are, they are ex I guess the kids would feel expendable yeah. And, and so they don’t feel loved. They don’t have somebody that could even hold them accountable. Not one caring
Chris Gazdik: adult. Adult,
John-Nelson Pope: not one caring
Chris Gazdik: adult.
It is powerful. And, and so I wanna turn this around, right? I’m not trying to impress us. I’m saying that’s how powerful this can be in a kid’s life. And guess what? You sir, or guess what? You ma’am becoming a stepparent. You can be that caring adult and you don’t have to
John-Nelson Pope: be perfect at it. You don’t need to be, you just be yourself.
Yes, exactly. And if you get, you, you raise your voice, you lose your temper. That’s part of being a human being. It’s gonna happen normal. It’s going to happen. But the idea is, is that one is committed thoroughly to the, the betterment of that person that’s younger than. , [00:49:00] that’s that you love his mo, that child’s mother or father so much that you want to, to belong and be a part of that family and be a stepparent.
Chris Gazdik: I don’t know that stepparents realize the value and the importance potentially in this kid’s life. Mm-hmm. , that that represents, yeah. Yeah. The
Victoria Pendergrass: impact that they can have on it’s huge.
Chris Gazdik: and, and honestly, you’re coming at it kind of fresh. Yeah. You haven’t had the years with this child of, you know, worn out.
And, you know, parenting is a, it’s a journey, isn’t it? Mm-hmm. , it’s a marathon. It’s, it’s a long road. And you’re coming into this with the ability, if you harness it, to grow a relationship in such a powerfully caring way with this individual’s life, it’s, it just blows my mind away when I think about the potential there.
Yeah. And I want people to be excited about that and know that that’s actually the benefit potential that they have in a, in another person’s life. It’s an awesome [00:50:00] thing to, to begin to realize the role that you could potentially have. Yeah. Okay. So that’s a, that’s a, that’s certainly, you know, part of the, the celebration that we, that we want to get in there.
So here’s another interesting similar component. Think about this. Do kids. Have a high level of honesty with their mom, with their dad. John, how much shit did you get away with when you were a kid from your
John-Nelson Pope: parents? Oh, I was, I was a perfect little boy. Oh, come on. I, I just sat there, go to the garden club and I was right in between the garden club, the roses, and the followed all the rules.
Why
Chris Gazdik: do I find that hard to believe. Yeah. Well, Victoria, did you tell your daddy everything that he was going on?
John-Nelson Pope: I would play Mommy and Daddy against
Chris Gazdik: each other. No.
Victoria Pendergrass: Right. Heck no. I mean very, I will say re like in the hindsight, I do have a pretty close relationship with, especially with [00:51:00] my mom. But I mean, there’s things that she doesn’t know about me.
right? I was afraid to say she will not ever know about me. ,
Chris Gazdik: right? I was afraid to be a rule breaker.
Victoria Pendergrass: I was a rule. Me too. But that doesn’t mean that there things don’t
Chris Gazdik: happen. But then comes this other person, this stepparent, right? They are not your parent. They are not your biological parent, and they have great potential of carrying this new and different sort of trust because you’re an adult.
And you’ve been around, you care about my mom or you care about my dad a lot. You’ve married them or you’re together, or you’re living here. So, you know, so in other words,
John-Nelson Pope: the person could, could try the, the kiddo could try a little bit more. Yeah. Let’s say a little different behavior. You might be a little safer.
Chris Gazdik: A little safer, yeah. Little cuz you’re different. You know, you, you know, my, my dad’s the one who has to punish me and, you know, get onto me. You know, you’re, you’re, you’re my stepmom. So maybe I can go a little further and share the, the, the, the things that I might not feel comfortable out of. Fear of punishment or whatever.[00:52:00]
That is very possible. I won’t step parents out there to realize that. And I’m not saying triangulate and manipulate and go out, all this kind of weird stuff. I don’t know if you know those terms. I’m gonna leave them alone. Cuz what I wanna focus on is the ability of having a relationship with your stepchildren.
That you can really be a trusted resource to actually go to even more than you might feel comfortable as a parent. Right. . Mm-hmm. . I agree. I think that’s a bonus. People don’t think about a lot. More role models. It kind of goes with the same theme, more, better heads than another one. You know, all these kind of things like, you know, there’s, there’s a lot of things that, that you think just being more adults out there.
Listen, I I look at things in my stepdad that I, I, I just, he’s a different person and I, and there’s some things that I really value in that, and I, he wasn’t even in my life till I was a full blown adult pretty much for sure. Right. And, but now I still look around today and, you know, value that and observe that.
And, you know, there’s a lot of cool things that I could [00:53:00] see closely as in a role of a stepparent to me. Right.
John-Nelson Pope: Yeah. Well, I had both my parents, both my parents are, are still alive and I’m very thankful to the Lord for that. But I’m the way. It sounds, I, I’m kind of jealous. I I want a stepparent. .
Chris Gazdik: I love that.
I love that. That’s cool. . Yeah. That’s just what came up
for
John-Nelson Pope: you. Yeah. That’s what just came up because the way you presented it, but it, you know, there’s other people in your lives that, that can fulfill part of that role. Oh, sure. My band is, but, but as far as the stepparent is concerned, I’ve never considered that.
And that’s, you’ve just kind of blown
Chris Gazdik: my mind. Now what’s interesting is that’s even coming from a person, me, with my personal experience, and I never lived with either of my stepparents. I’ve never lived with them. But still those benefits of in life are, are, are rich. Mm-hmm. . Right. I agree. So, [00:54:00] last thing I’ll highlight here is interesting in a different angle.
If you, if you think about it, there’s an interesting and cool growing opportunity that a kid has when a stepparent comes around. Yeah, they have, like, let’s say a kid has been their, their dad’s been a single dad for five years now. Primary parent, that’s who I live with. It’s me and my dad, me and my dad, me and my dad.
And who are you? This. Mm-hmm. .
Victoria Pendergrass: Little say, I’m stepmom. Ooh,
Chris Gazdik: wait a minute. You, why is my dad not here on Monday nights for football? You know, like he’s on a date with, there’s a switch that begins to happen here that begins to help the kid develop a sense of independence, a sense of non-dependent on that single parent and whatnot.
And internal resiliency, right? Mm-hmm. . So boundaries get exercise and you start learning, oh, okay, well we, we have, we have other priorities. You know, my parents not here just for me. So that’s a little [00:55:00] behind the door kind of benefit and value for, for the kids. Does that, does that make sense? It does. Yeah.
You know, is is, it’s these adjustments. Yeah. , it’s these adjustments. So really I, you know, that’s, that was where my brainstorm listed and we, we had an article there that also listed out some of those things that, that I think will help you to really kind of glean from they, they also did, I hate ending with pitfalls, but I, but I don’t wanna forget those, you know, as well that the article listed out to, to, to be aware of so that you can head off.
Conflict is sure to be present. We talked about that a little bit. You’re not my mom, dad arguments, gosh. Particularly with the teenagers, you know? Oh gosh. Can you imagine sibling rivalries when you have stepkids and all that? Well, and like I talked, talk to Brady Bunch.
Victoria Pendergrass: Yeah, yeah. Well, like I talked about last episode, mentioned that too.
You Yeah. That like, I mean, what happens when. step siblings that are like actually the same age are like only a few months apart and then now they’re in the same grade, they’re at the same school. Like
Chris Gazdik: that’s a lot of
John-Nelson Pope: one’s [00:56:00] popular
Victoria Pendergrass: one isn’t. Yeah. So like, okay, if it’s different, different personalities.
Like if it’s the step step sibling that’s new to the school because that, that they moved in and so the other sibling is already established at the school. And like, I mean, I can just, my mind just goes crazy with all sorts of swirls s conflict that could
Chris Gazdik: happen. . Yeah, it swirls. And so, but the, but those are, those are things that you work through and, and in challenging these, these sometimes emotionally bitter, you know, interesting opportunities for growth, otherwise known as conflict and all, and it, you really grow stronger with that and learn how to make friends and learn how to be friendly and, and kind of deal with these new relationships.
But, but here’s a big pitfall I want to highlight that, that we should have really done before. Are you gonna cover the next one?
Victoria Pendergrass: Absolutely. With, okay, good. I was about to say we don’t need to miss that
Chris Gazdik: one. . Yeah. Right, right. Go ahead. Why?
Victoria Pendergrass: What is what? Okay, so there is a danger that comes with this that like the, that the kid will feel [00:57:00] the need to like, Choose a side or they’re
Chris Gazdik: essentially told,
Victoria Pendergrass: or they’re told to choose a side.
And you know, we definitely wanna avoid that at all times. They really are. So, and unfor, it’s unfortunate that that happens in that, you know, but that
John-Nelson Pope: is the parents putting the, the pressure, their pressure on their kiddos. Yeah. And I think that’s, that’s in a sense they’re responding out of their own hurt or anger or even vindictiveness and they’re, again, they’re not thinking
Victoria Pendergrass: of their kid.
I know. But the thing is, is like, I agree with that and ultimately they’re, it’s only gonna hurt the kid. It’s only gonna hurt the kid. And that, I mean, I’m just thinking as, and as, as other therapists, y’all could understand this, but that kid is more likely to end up in our office in however many years because they’re dealing with whatever came along with.
Feeling the need to pick sides and being pulled one way and pulled the other way. And [00:58:00]
Chris Gazdik: it’s a real gut-wrenching challenge for children. Yeah. That are not equipped emotionally or developmentally to meet . It’s just, it’s just not, and I wanna recognize that. I think stepparents and parents are like, don’t necessarily do this intentionally, I think.
Mm-hmm. people are probably listening to this being like, ah, yeah, I would never do that. I, that’s not my goal. I wouldn’t wanna. And I recognize that. So this happens in, in sort of a, a slippery slope with the conflict that you’re in with your ex escalates and it escalates. Yeah. And, and this needs to be forefront of your mind.
You know, we, we try to tell kids, oh, you know, it’s not your fault. And they, they need that message kind of as well. I would think even higher than that one. That this one is a really poignant, potent potential horror for the
John-Nelson Pope: mindfulness. [00:59:00] Mindfulness. And that is do some real critical thinking and some being able to step outside of yourself in terms of, of your emotions and your feelings, and being able to look at the situation as it really is.
and be equitable in terms of, of that and being, and I think if you’re able to do that, you’re gonna be a lot more understanding. You’re gonna be able to, to walk in the other person’s shoes and be less judgmental. And so you’re not gonna be playing the the kids
Chris Gazdik: against each other. Yeah. . Yeah. You also, just to add to that, you avoid some parent shame, you know?
Mm-hmm. parent guilt is a big, huge part of parenting. Mm-hmm. , step parenting kind of brings that in. I think stepparents probably get hit with parent guilt and shame. Yeah. Even more than parents because it’s such a tricky role. But yeah, this is a big one. You know, I know there’s court cases, we gotta avoid it.
Yeah. I know there’s things that happen in custody and visitation [01:00:00] and all of those things, and, and, and, and we can do that. We could traverse that together, but as much as you can and you know, you’ve got to work and be mindful to take the pressure off that kid I’ve
Victoria Pendergrass: just seen. Well, and just remember that you’re setting the example.
So even if the other parent is being relentless and doing all these other things, you gotta remind yourself. You can’t control what they do, but you can control what you do and you can at least try your best to set a good example for your kids. Are, go ahead, finish. Yeah. And I mean, and you know, just maybe approach it with that mindfulness of a, of a mindset and just,
Chris Gazdik: I’m super glad.
John, let me jump in if I can because you, you just triggered another one of my long standing sort of standards that I’ve kind of put out for, for people in understanding this, because that’s a large battle that happens when you feel like the ex parent is working against you. Well, sometimes they are.
Mm-hmm. . Okay. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes that is a bit of the case, but [01:01:00] here’s the encouragement and I found this play out many times over Victoria. I’m so glad you were saying that, that we can catch this in. Yeah. Here at the end we will maybe make a, make a note. Neil, this is one to kind of catch, to make a, a post out.
because I want this to be highlighted. There’s lots of questions about how do I handle when a stepparent or a parent is working against me? Cuz the other biological parent can feel like the stepparent is working against you. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. or the parent can feel like the other parent is working against you.
Here’s the reality, and I think it’s solid and holds true that that kid sees what’s going on. Okay. They will incorporate, particularly as they get older, it may even take years, but they are drawn towards what you just said, Victoria. The healthy aspects of when a parent is acting Now, it might even be that the parent who has primary custody and you only get weekends and it’s a estranged with your kids, stay healthy, stay balanced, stay grounded, because [01:02:00] that that kid is going to be drawn, they will literally be emotionally drawn towards the person who is demonstrating healthy boundaries.
I think that is solidly true. Any disagreements or quite bad. No, Absolut absolutely true. Even though you feel so helpless, even though you feel the estrangement and you don’t see your child, it’s horrible. But know this to be true. The kid is drawn towards healthy characteristics. Right? So we’re taxing. In closing thoughts, comments?
John-Nelson Pope: I think that it would behoove anybody that is thinking of, of marrying. or having a long-term partnership with in a step parenting role mm-hmm. is that they go and get premarital counseling. Oh yeah. And do that. I think that’s so that they can be, know some of the pitfalls [01:03:00] and also know their strengths.
Chris Gazdik: You know what we should do, John? We should like get like, you know, our own advertisement and, and, you know, quarter every quarter of this show, like begin to like, you know, highlight the importance and value of, you know premarital counseling. You know what I mean? I mean, that’s, that’s something that’s huge.
Yeah, if you’re getting into this, do this. Listen, stepparents value. Yes, that’s what my thing was. Kids value your stepparents, spouses and partners to stepparents. This is needing to be a little bit of a celebration and a reinvigoration for understanding the trickiness, the power, but all of the benefits and, and awesomeness that stepparents can be.
Thank you out there for caring about the kids that you have met and you’ve become a stepparent too. Okay, we’ll continue to figure this thing out together. You guys stay well and we’ll see you next week. Bye bye.
One comment